Led by Jamil Batcha '06's one assist, the Dartmouth club hockey team stormed past the Colby-Sawyer Chargers Sunday, winning 13-2 in front of a large and raucous crowd. Also contributing for the Big Green's victory were Peter Hanbury '03 (two goals, five assists), Jon Webster '04 (two goals, two assists) and Josh Navikonis '05, Adam "Whitey" White '05, Scott "Darci" Darci '05 and Teddy "Creepy" Plumlee '06 with a goal and three assists each. The game was such a blowout that the Dartmouth players eventually stopped putting out any effort.
The team's success Sunday can, as usual, be attributed to Head Coach Jacques Gerbille.
"Prior to the game, Coach Gerbille delivered one of the most inspirational 'win one for the gipper' speeches in the history of club athletics," team party animal Jon Webster explained. "Some of the younger guys were literally moved to tears, but Coach smacked them in the face a few times at which point everyone managed to regain their composure. I think Coach's motivational tactics were unquestionably superior to our opponents', which is what helped spur us to victory."
After this motivational speech the team hit the ice fired up, and twelve seconds into the game Hanbury scored off a pass from Navikonis in a play that would set the tone for the duration of the game. Thirty seconds later, to the embarrassment of the Chargers, Hanbury scored again. Goals soon followed by Chris Grieco '03, Brad Fierstein '06, Josh Clause '05 and Webster.
Despite this phenomenal beginning, the Clubbers experienced a slight setback ten minutes into the first period when team bruiser Anthony Balsamo '04 left the ice.
"I didn't feel that the caliber of the other team was high enough that it warranted my talents and special powers," the little bruiser said. "My powers do have a limit, and they must be reserved for games requiring lots of doom and worthy opponents. I deem Colby-Sawyer unworthy. So I left."
He was later seen weeping in the locker room and complaining of a "high fever and nasty cough," which had apparently returned and rendered him physically unable to play.
With a score of 7-1 at the end of the first period, the Chargers, with the support of the officials, were ready to call it quits and go home, but the charismatic Jacques Gerbille convinced them to stay and prolong their humiliating defeat. Even team gimp Julian Saltman '04 felt the urge to suit up.
"We were spanking them so badly that I was tempted to borrow Rossenwasser's pads, tape up my ankle, and lie down in the net while I watched the Colby-Sawyer sharpshooters rip shots at intramural speed from the neutral zone," Saltman said.
It should be noted that, even when healthy, Saltman's own shots certainly do not reach intramural speed, and he is barely able to skate far enough to reach the neutral zone.
The downtrodden Chargers lined up for the start of the second period, but soon gave up three more goals to Navikonis, Clause and Adam White '05. Yet somehow Colby-Sawyer managed to counter with their second and final goal of the game off an incredible sixth, yet uncounted, assist for Hanbury. An infuriated Jacques Gerbille immediately removed Dartmouth goaltender Chris Rubinate '03 and replaced him with Charles "my computer loves it when I feed it Red Bull" Rossenwasser '06.
By the time the third period rolled around, the Colby-Sawyer players were on the brink of tears. Feeling no pity for them, Teddy Plumlee '06, Scott Darci '05 and Marc Schegerin DMS each added another goal to Dartmouth's score and sent the Chargers home.
Sunday's self-esteem-boosting victory marks Jacques Gerbille's fifth win, making him the winningest head coach in team history. When asked how this news made him feel, Gerbille began to mutter something in French, but then he got a worried look on his face and abruptly walked away and never returned. Though his statements were indecipherable and he could not be reached for further comment, a great sense of pride could be sensed in his thick French-Canadian drawl.
Dartmouth club hockey takes to the ice at Skidmore next Saturday before returning Sunday for the season's final home game against Massbay College at 4:15 p.m. Sunday's match marks the last game at Thompson for the club team's graduating seniors, who have seen the program through (and probably been mostly responsible) for the team's poor showing the last few years. The pre-game ceremonies will feature a laser show and a paratrooper flying in through Thompson's retractable roof.
