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(03/31/99 10:00am)
Ladies and gentlemen, it is that time of year again - time to kick off the shoes, lay back, relax and watch 64 of the world's best teams slug it out with each other for the title. That's right, there is war in Kosovo! And CNN brings it to us live each day, with up-to-the-minute scores. So far, the U.S. and friends are soundly defeating Serbian leader Slobodan Milosevic, largely because Serbia's interior defense is no match for our three-point shooting skill (in the form of big scary bombs). CNN is reporting that we may score again any minute now. Swish, three points for us and minus one factory for evil Kosovo!
(02/04/99 11:00am)
I have been searching for a soul mate for several weeks now. Luckily for every girl in Hanover, however, a friend of mine (who is taking a poetry class) introduced me just recently to the idea of "The Self, Seeing In His Image Narcissistic Ardor Returned." Consequently, for the past six days, I have been staring lovingly and fixatedly at my reflection in the first floor North Mass men's bathroom wall. And after all of this time, I still haven't noticed any ardor! I've even checked the mail several times. Nothing. I am suddenly finding myself forced to ponder some previously considered routes to spirited and devoted romance, such as falling in love with a lemming.
(01/25/99 11:00am)
I reported to the public, in a shocking yet journalistically sound fashion, that love is all a big myth. However, a recent amorous exchange, which I stole from the mail-bag of our very own Congress while trying to decipher the public mystery that is "franking," may shed some new light on love's existence:
(01/19/99 11:00am)
Now of course, you might be saying to yourself, "What is this guy talking about? I am a person, as normal as the next person, and here I am, in love." Well, you are in the minority. Also, have you checked into the situation? Remember, everyone thought that little Jeffrey Dahmer was pretty normal, until he started talking about how he was in love, and before long he was eviscerating and eating his classmates.
(11/25/98 11:00am)
Recently I broke down and bought myself a new computer. Or should I say, my computer broke down, and I bought myself a new computer. If people who were prone to breaking down constantly bought themselves new computers each time they did, they would barely have enough money left to afford new purple neon jumpsuits. Or, for that matter, their organic chemistry textbooks.
(11/02/98 11:00am)
I want to write a book. I know, I know -- everyone wants to write a book. But the main difference between those people and me is that I wanted to write a book first . It's true! I have wanted to write a book ever since back when I thought that the four major food groups were blue crayons, white crayons, apple juice and dirt, especially if something in the dirt was moving. In the mold of the great Ernest Hemingway, whose timeless contributions to American literature include sitting in a restaurant in Spain and drinking himself to death while writing his most famous novel -- "On The Road by Jack Kerouac," I have always wanted to tell the world my story. Unfortunately, I never had a story.
(10/20/98 9:00am)
Bored to the point of illness from sitting in her house on Long Island and staring at the wallpaper (which, don't get me wrong, can be fun if combined with the correct substances) awhile ago my friend Elizabeth and I decided to go see a hockey game. There had been unconfirmed reports of hockey being played professionally out on Long Island, and Elizabeth and I were going to find it, if it took us all night! As long as "all night" lasted no longer than half an hour, and the tickets weren't more than $15 apiece.
(10/05/98 9:00am)
In her attempt to find something interesting to do over the holidays besides count the shopping days until Easter, this past winter my friend Liz (Elizabeth Ruth, for short) suggested that we visit the zoo. I assumed she was saddened by the simple fact that she had not seen an animal relieve itself in public in many days, so out of empathy, I agreed to go. Also, she is a girl, which means that she probably could have gotten me to agree to drink a glass of cleaning fluid.
(01/07/98 11:00am)
People have always been big into tradition. For instance, I would never knowingly write something that wasn't true, because it might make someone feel bad. Ever the model of proper journalism, I stick to the facts even when people get mad at me. Hey, it's not my fault if your husband was sleeping with Amy Fisher, so get off my back, Mrs. Clinton.
(10/31/97 11:00am)
From my somewhat less-than-glorious days of high school up until now, I have always figured any event related to "Homecoming" to be in celebration of the return home of a football team; after all, football has been the main draw surrounding all Homecoming festivities since the beginning of time (roughly 1769, I am told). I have repeatedly envisioned almighty gridiron warriors, road-weary and battle-tested, returning finally to the friendly confines of their home field and adoring fans to fight for the honor of their school in an all-important match-up against a rival pigskin powerhouse.
(10/10/97 9:00am)
I decided to stay in Hanover for most of this past interim, a wise decision for anyone who is uniquely fond of eating at Taco Bell and who doesn't mind sneaking into the nearest dorm in order to take a comfortable shower. Predictably, after a short while I was bored out of my senses. I needed to go where the action was and late-night trips to Foodstop just weren't going to cut it. I had my sights zeroed in on a greater target: The Great White North. I was headed to Montreal.
(10/03/97 9:00am)
To The Editor:
(08/08/97 9:00am)
Language is a many-splendored thing. When used effectively, it is a tool that allows for the communication of thoughts and preferences like no other known to humans since the beginning of civilization. In fact, language is what allows us to enter into social contracts, or be "civilized," from the start. Without it, we would be lost in a world unto ourselves. With it, this world is expanded to include everything around us.
(07/29/97 9:00am)
"Hey, did you bring your disc?" Sean asks.
(07/21/97 9:00am)
E says: Cranking out article after article to meet deadlines can be pretty tough, especially on those days when good ideas are as hard to squeeze out as that last bit of toothpaste at the bottom of the tube. So, in order to keep things interesting and fresh, I have decided to collaborate on today's column with a sidekick. His name is DP, and rumor has it that he has one of the most creative minds in the field of journalism. Isn't that right, DP?
(07/07/97 9:00am)
Just a few nights before I returned to sunny Hanover to spend my entire summer entrenched in the quagmire of academia, I was fortunate enough to be privy to something that I found both odd and quite normal at the same time. It was only odd because I had never noticed the phenomenon first-hand prior to then, but at the same time it was logically consistent with what I had come to accept as fact while growing up in the city. What occurred was a simple act of neglect; a taxicab driver refused to pick up a group of passengers after letting me off near a train station at around 2:00 in the morning. It also should be noted that the would-be passengers involved were a family of four.