I reported to the public, in a shocking yet journalistically sound fashion, that love is all a big myth. However, a recent amorous exchange, which I stole from the mail-bag of our very own Congress while trying to decipher the public mystery that is "franking," may shed some new light on love's existence:
"Dear Democrats, The President is a bad person. Thus, it is our proposal that, in the best interest of our nation, he be summarily killed. Love, all the Republicans."
"Dear Republicans, We have reviewed your proposal. And, after many careful hours of deliberation, we have decided to feed it to a large aquatic mammal. Love, all the Democrats."
This is just a sampling of the love that goes back and forth every single day in our nation's capital. Now imagine if every member of Congress routinely showed up -- we would have to call in the love police to mediate things! Especially in the Senate, where Ted Kennedy is "all hands," according to an unnamed Senator (Orrin Hatch, R-Utah).
Which brings us to the point of this week's column: namely, the Super Bowl is coming up. For a record 33rd consecutive year, the Big Game happens to fall in January, and directly on Super Bowl Sunday! What are the odds? (Broncos by eight.) It's just like December 25th always "happening" to fall on the day many children, worldwide, receive Ninja Turtles. What uncanny foresight with which the ancient Romans made their calendar. It continues to amaze me. (Note: I am also amazed by colors.)
This year is a special one for football fans. It marks the first year that any team with the name "Atlanta Falcons" has ever appeared in an Atlanta area newspaper. "Falcons make it to the Big Game!" is the headline you would probably see all over the sports pages, if you lived in Atlanta, provided there was no tennis going on in Europe.
To get to Miami, sight of this year's contest, the Falcons had to upset a decent Minnesota Vikings team, which won a routine 15 out of 16 games this season by a combined score of 230,000 to 9. And upset them the Falcons did, with numerous references to the actions of certain Vikings' players' mothers. But overconfidence would not be wise -- there is a big difference between playing in Minnesota and Miami. If, as a football critic, you happen to think that these two places are alike, well then I, as a humor columnist, will trade you my house in Minnesota for yours in Miami.
Atlanta's opponent in the Sufficiently Large Game will be the Denver Broncos, a team named fondly after former Gilligan's Island star Bob "Denver" Broncos. In their tune-up to the Extremely Colossal Game, the Broncos soundly defeated the New York Jets. In the Jets' defense, however, their team played very well in the first half of the game. Unfortunately, also in the Jets' defense were a number of players who felt it would be unsportsmanlike to stop the other team from scoring points. A key moment in the game occurred in the second half, when, down by 13 points, a teammate informed Jets' all-star quarterback Vinny Testaverde that his name can be loosely translated as "Vinny gives a green examination."
This brings us up to date and ready for the latest remarkable installment of the Super Bowl. So remarkable, in fact, that if you step outside right this minute, you will almost certainly hear a sports fan remarking about it. "Atlanta's got a team?" he might say. "Who cares?" his friend might respond. "Did you hear the one about the guy's mother? You know, the Minnesota guy? And, luckily for all, the top seeds won at Wimbledon today."
Throughout my entire life I have never been wrong in predicting the outcome of the annual Nice Sized But Not Overly Humongous Game. So far, that is a whopping 32 and 0. (I made all of my predictions last Wednesday.) I see you all on the edge of your seats awaiting my picks for this year, so I will just go ahead and predict away: Susan Lucci will NOT win a Daytime Emmy Award.
As for my predictions about the game, I believe that a team represented by either a hooved or flying animal will come out victorious. There is little to no chance, avoiding a furious comeback late in the contest, that the Chicago Bulls will win, especially now without their all-time greatest player, Scottie Pippen. I foresee a very long halftime show featuring many dancing women surrounding a singing Harry Connick Junior; or, if he is available, Harry Connick Senior.
I look for both teams to come out with a Balanced Attack on offense and play Aggressively yet Intelligently on defense, because network announcers are paid to tell the public that this is how both teams are playing, even though it has not yet been determined what these statements actually mean. In addition, I envision announcers continually ascribing to the Game a bigger and bigger size, until it is simply referred to by everyone as "Hindenburg."
If Denver running back and reigning league MVP Terrell Davis is attacked by a legion of stray dogs at any point during the action, I would call that a possible turning point. Also, don't be surprised if Ted Kennedy causes a lot of fumbles, because, as an unnamed Orrin Hatch tells us, he is "all hands."
