How to Play Off Falling on Ice

By Justin Kramer | 1/22/18 5:34pm

You wake up Sunday at 10:50 a.m. to the blaring of your 7:30 a.m. alarm. You were supposed to go on an 8 a.m. hike today, but as a first-year still on the 20 (to your friends’ dismay), all you care about is getting into FoCo in time for that elusive pre-11:00 a.m. breakfast meal swipe. 

You sprint out of your room in the River wearing your fuzzy PJs and Christmas sweater even though it’s January, determined to beat the odds and get breakfast on the weekend. It’s 10:57 and you’ve reached Mass Row. 10:58 and you’re so, so close!

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10:59 you’re about to reach the door and…

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Down you go! Your backpack goes flying, and your $4 FoCo to go container tragically shatters upon impact. They told you it was reusable! A swarm of people are fast approaching from all ends:

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How will you play it off in front of everyone?

In front of your classmate:

You: “Wow we had so much reading last night, it’s literally weighing me down”

Classmate (unamused): *Snaps a pic*


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Classmate: *Turns phone towards you* “It’s going on “The Gram” too.”

You (defeated): “Does it have a good caption at least?”

Caption: “Even nature knows he asks too many questions in class.”

In front of your friends:

You: “Quick, fall with me too so it looks like it was on purpose.”

Friend: “This is what you get for being on the 20.”

You: “I’ll buy you all KAF just do this.”

You: “Wait, no, I only have $200 in DBA...”

Friends: “Too late.” *Fall inconspicuously like dominoes*

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In front of someone taking a video:


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In front of DDS:

You: *begging* “Can I still use the breakfast swipe?”

DDS: “You think that slip was a coincidence? 

You: “W-what?”

DDS: “Here at Dartmouth Dining Services, we have a monopoly over everything. We control all the food you eat, your late alarm clock and you bet we control the weather. Did you really think we ’forgot’ to ice the sidewalks? More ice = fewer swipes used. Do the math kid.”

In front of the Malpaso Dance Company:


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In front of your crush:

You: “There’s no way to be subtle about this any longer: I think I’m falling for you.”

Crush: *Slaps you in the face* “Those pick up lines are slipping.”

You: “Damn you’re a cold one.”

Crush: *Continues slapping until you miss the next meal swipe*

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In front of your mom:

You: “Mom? You promised you would stop using the Find My Friends app on me when I left for college... ”

Mom: *pulling out Band-Aids, Q-tips, Advil and a freshly cooked meal* “Honey, we both knew I was joking. I’ve been staying at the Hanover Inn since you left for college!”

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Justin Kramer