By Isabel Adler | 1/19/18 8:09pm

After consulting my crystals, speaking to the spirits of the universe, using Rauner Library Special Collection’s birth charts, reading tarot cards and using the observatory to look at the stars and planets to chart their astrological movements, I have compiled ~totally real~ horoscopes for the next several weeks. 

Aries: You should be careful of the food you eat at Foco. The Hop and Collis (and even Novack) are good to go, but watch out for Foco, especially that grill station. 

Taurus: In the next few weeks, you will find fun and pleasure where you least expect it. Careful not to frequent the same frats every night or the same study spots every day, as they will become draining quick … think about spending time in alternative social spaces, like the Top of the Hop!

Gemini: Two-faced, Gemini! ‘Tis the season for you to try something new. Perhaps it’s trying out for a new sport or for a play; as the stars move into retrograde, be sure to cultivate the different aspects of your personality to make new friends in unexpected places. 

Cancer: Careful, Cancer! With literally every single planet including Pluto in retrograde, be aware of where you step, both physically and metaphorically. It is important for you to foster your relationships with your friends without accidentally offending them. But don’t be too afraid. Someone will surprise you with a heartfelt comment or text. Also, that ice is out to get you. Wear shoes with good grip. 

Leo: Leo, try going to Beta in the coming weeks. With Venus, Mars and Mercury moving into alignment, something big will happen there. 

Virgo: Calming Virgo, this month will be cold for you. Don’t forget to bring an extra layer when you go to the library late at night. Expect snow at some point in the next few weeks. 

Libra: Social Libra! This month, you may find love where you least expect it ... the TDX basement after midnight. Keep an eye out for that special someone to cuff while grinding to “Everytime We Touch” by Cascada. 

Scorpio: As Mars moves out of alignment for you Scorpio, do not overspend your DBA! Your passionate tendencies may cause you to treat yourself to KAF a little too frequently, and without the alignment of Pluto with the moon of Mars, you will have a hard time controlling yourself. Just be aware of the number, and everything should be fine. 

Sagittarius: Silly Sagittarius, your flexible and kind nature will make it easy for a foe to steal your fracket in the coming weeks. As the winter progresses and the temperatures drop, be sure to hide it in a safe place, because someone will likely find it and steal if it if you do not. Be wary of your impatience when stashing it! 

Capricorn: Steady Capricorn! Your future includes lots of work, but don’t worry! Your organized nature will be able to get through the next seven weeks. Be careful not to let yourself get too stressed as you will be able to take the extra heat. 

Aquarius: Aloof Aquarius, as Uranus is in retrograde and Saturn comes to the forefront of the sky, this will be a good month for you. Something will likely work out for you, but be careful to smile only at kind-hearted strangers wearing navy jackets in Blobby, because your uncompromising tendencies may get you in some trouble otherwise.

Pisces: Careful, Pisces. You will be stuck in the literal longest f**king line of eternity. Be wary of KAF and Hinman this month; perhaps hold off on ordering that new blue-limited edition Juul until the rush passes. Just Foco it; it will be sad, but necessary. The grill section has some great selections!

Isabel Adler