Things You Would Rather Do Than Rush

By PJ Bigley | 9/26/16 10:32am

“OH MY GOSH! I luuuuuv your shoes! Becky — get over here! Don’t you just luuuuuv her shoes?”

“OH MY GOSH! I do! I really love her shoes!”
“Isn’t she just, like the cutest little thing?!”
“She like totally is just the cutest little thing!”
“Gamma Beta Sigma Lambda Phi Psi Epsilon Delta Chi just like totally needs you to be a part of the…SISTERHOOD!!!!”

Usually that’s the part where I wake up screaming from the nightmare, realizing that, one, I don’t actually know anyone named Becky and two, Dartmouth rush seems blessedly civilized compared to what you usually think of when you hear the word “sarawrity” (see University of Alabama’s Alpha Phi recruitment video from last year).

Still, rush looms over everyone on campus. For PNM’s and houses alike, rush week is hours of precious time spent talking to people you will probably never see again. Add to that the egregious number of times the word “sister” is used to describe someone who you, in fact, have no genetic relationship to, and you have my idea of hell.

If you actually enjoy rush, you’re definitely in the minority. No one actually enjoys asking or answering the questions: “So what’s your major,” “Where are you from,” and “What do you do on campus” 300 times.

For most, snacks remain the only redeeming quality of rush (did you know that there are flaming hot puffy Cheetos shaped like bones?!). Other than that, here’s what everyone is really thinking as you discuss your extracurricular activities and campus leadership positions.

Things you would rather do than rush:

1. Men’s rush. If you’re a guy and you complain about rush, you’re ridiculous. Did you get dressed up to spend 5 hours being dragged around campus to make small talk with girls who are only at their houses because they will be fined if they fail to show up? I think not. You’re in a basement playing pong—no sympathy for you.
2. Have an epic battle with GreenPrint.
3. Sleep.
4. Sit in bed. Netflix. Ben & Jerry’s. Sweatshirt. Wool Socks. Matthew Gray Gubler’s soothing voice on Criminal Minds in the background as he talks about someone being dismembered by a violent serial killer. So Peaceful.
5. Try to unsubscribe from the Ledyard Listserv and get publically shamed. Yes, I personally would rather “write a two-page essay outlining a Kantian approach to the ethics of kayaking, making specific reference to how the categorical imperative relates to the five essentials and whether enlightenment is possible when constrained within a plastic boat” than do rush.
6. Go to the gym.
7. Try to figure out what OrgSync is and why the administration wants us to use it all of a sudden.
8. Eat your weight in lima beans. (Not really sure why this seems more appealing. But if you hate small talk as much as me it might seem like a good idea).
9. Get incarcerated. You can’t do rush from a jail cell!
10. Go skydiving without a parachute.
11. And finally, do your homework. You have to do it anyway, but it’s definitely better to start before 3 a.m.

PJ Bigley