How to Disappoint Your Parents Now that You’ve Gotten into Dartmouth
“Mama, I made it!”
Your parents have never been more proud of you than when you got into Dartmouth. And now that the ’20s have been admitted (that sounds so weird to say), a new batch of parents is overflowing with joy at the thought of their kids’ bright futures. It may seem like you’ve won the “golden child” award, but what fun is making your parents proud when you can fill them with unbridled anger and regret? Now that you’ve gotten into Dartmouth, here are some ways to disappoint your parents:
1. Set up a GoFundMe to cover your bail for touching the fire at Homecoming.
2. Have your $900 Canada Goose “fracket” stolen. FYI, this is what your fracket thief is doing now:
3. Squander your DBA by buying too many Odwalla smoothies (by “too many” we mean, like, six).
4. Embark on your collegiate journey of “self-discovery” by taking Dartbeat quizzes.
5. “Accidentally” order 300 boxes of Annie’s Mac while drunk.
6. Fail a PE class because you never showed up.
7. Adhere to the hard alcohol ban by drinking an obscene amount of beer, thereby achieving the Freshman 15.
8. Do not use all your meal swipes for this week.
9. Get caught doing one of the Dartmouth Seven.
10. Be a four-year varsity athlete in high school and then a NARP in college. (That’s right, you’re Regular with a capital “R” now.)
11. Accidentally sext your parents at 2 a.m. on a Friday night.
12. Let the plant that they gifted you die four weeks into freshman fall. (How did you ever convince your parents that you can take care of yourself?!)
13. Get written up by Safety and Security for skinny-dipping in the river. Nothing says “daddy’s little girl” like a judicial hearing!
14. Resign yourself to living on the streets because you got the worst housing number ever.
15. Make a Friendsy. (They’ll be disappointed not because you made an account but because you couldn’t get a fire emoji next to your name.)