Dartmouth Horoscopes

By Hayley Hoverter-Trujillo | 2/4/16 10:51am

I know that astrology is controversial, but most of us have at least peeked at our horoscopes online or in an issue of Cosmopolitan (hahaha, I made a joke). We’ve all been asked what our star signs are, and we’ve all had to endure being sorted into yet another box: Wow, so unpredictable, as per usual, Gemini! Or, in my case: Jeez, you’re such a Cancer! (Make of my Zodiac sign what you will, but I think I’m generally pretty tolerable.)

If this week you’re praying to the cosmos for that A on your stats exam (let’s be real, you’d probably be thrilled with a B), or need to know when your Amazon order will be delivered, your 11:11 wishes have been answered: Dear old Dartmouth, the stars have spoken, and here’s what they had to say about you this week:


Your aunt will send you a care package this week. Her homemade banana bread will be stale and crumbs will be all over the box and in the socks she sent you. Don’t throw the bread out, though! Something will go down on Thursday that’ll make you want to sit on the floor of your dorm room, eating stale banana bread while watching sad telenovelas.


If all goes right, you will find Eleazor Wheelock’s ghost in the stacks annex. This will be an emotional week for you, Taurus, so avoid people at all costs.


A relationship you care deeply about will fall through. Just like your ID will fall through the slats by the window at Novack Café. And much like your soon-to-be ex, you’ll never see that ID card again.


On Wednesday, you will try to salvage a relationship with someone you respect. And on Friday, you will send a blitz to your professor in which you confuse “your” and “you’re.” You will send two apology blitzes immediately after.


This week, remember to keep close the things most dear to your heart. Be particularly mindful of your fracket, which will be stolen this Friday night.


This will be an interesting week for your career. You will get a blitz that Jared from economics viewed your LinkedIn profile. Jared’s dad knows someone who knows someone who got fired from sweeping floors at Goldman. This could be your big break!


Pay special attention to your family life today. Your crush will glance at you at Foco tomorrow, a pivotal moment in your budding relationship, a.k.a. your impending DFMO.


Self-care will be of paramount importance today. You will definitely forget to eat dinner one night this week. But on the bright side, you’ll spill marinara sauce on your pants at late night this Saturday. Go to the bathroom and wash it off; you deserve a clean pair of jeans.


Be wary of a backstabbing friend this week! If you think Rachel is going to lunch with her other “best friend” on Friday, she has another thing coming. Give Rachel a piece of your mind. Then apologize over text later and chalk it up to sleep deprivation.


Your patience will be tried this week at work. Sure, you don’t have a job. But when you’re working hard on your paper late Sunday night, and someone in the stacks sits next to you, opens up a bag of potato chips (the crunchiest kind) and eats them loudly and slowly, one by one, some tension is bound to build. You will wonder how it takes anyone half an hour to eat a bag of chips. The stars have not yet decided whether or not you will move to first floor Berry.


You will experience extreme joy when you least expect it. Collis split pea soup is back!


You will face some major disappointments this week. GroupMe will be blowing up, so naturally you’ll offer up a punny joke. But nobody will favorite it. And then you’ll lose all your friends. Better luck next week, Pisces!

Hayley Hoverter-Trujillo