Beam me up, Hillary: A UFO Year-In-Review
Well, we’re two weeks into the New Year and I guess the presidential election still hasn’t happened. Is it just me, or should that thing have already happened like twice by now? I swear Hillary’s been chilling in Cedar Rapids for a decade. I’ve been feeling a bern for so long I have half a mind to schedule an appointment with my health care provider. Trump is somehow still #relevant (luckily I don’t have to write a joke for that because it’s already tragically hilarious).
While we’ve started to delve into the political stances of each candidate over the last few months (foreign policy, gun control, economics, etc.), New York Magazine started asking the most important question almost a year ago: When will these candidates come forward with official positions on UFOs and the existence of extraterrestrials? Former Obama aid and the head of Hillary Clinton’s campaign called it his greatest failure of 2014.
Never one to disappoint, Hillary came to ease the concerns of the American people. Hillary’s husband, former President Bill Clinton, claims that no evidence of extraterrestrial life was found in Area 51 or Roswell during his presidency. Clearly, Hillary knows that’s not the whole story. The presidential hopeful (#ready) promised she would “get to the bottom” of the alien existence issue once elected to the White House. I know, we’ve heard this all before — but Hillary added that it’s possible our planet has been visited before.
Hillary believes in aliens? Checkmate. Election over. Trump, you’re fired.
Her comments come after an exciting year in the UFO world. Several alleged UFOs were spotted in 2015, and only most of them seem to be hoaxes. The “government” gave us the usual explanations — “meteors,” “missile tests,” “weather balloons.” Regardless, the truth is out there, and your friendly Dartbeat UFO expert is on the scene. Here are some of the more popular/impressive UFO sightings of this year:
1. India: Our first two sightings come from the great subcontinent. In June, a young boy claimed to have captured a UFO on his camera early one morning in Uttar Pradesh. Of course, the deniers have come out of the woodwork to prove that this photo isn’t valid. Why would a child lie to us like this? And how could he have learned to use Photoshop so well?
Verdict: Obviously real.
2. Late November, another man claimed to have taken photos of a seemingly giant flying saucer hovering above a market in Gorakhpur. There’s not much of a story here, other than I can say with the (almost) utmost confidence that these photos are not real. Interestingly, though, UFO sightings have been regularly reported from Delhi’s international airport. Once again, I’m sad to report that those were likely airplanes, and were in fact identified.
Verdict: Clearly a hoax, but I want this guy doing CGI for the District 9 sequel.
3. South Africa: Our next sighting takes us far from the markets of India, down south to good ole’ Cape Town. Social media went up in flames (as it is known to do) after several people allegedly spotted a UFO emitting a green light above the city #UFOSA. This case is definitely a little eerie, but the best thing to come out of it was the blowback on Twitter. One user tweeted that the object spotted was simply the presidential VIP jet, while another user got a little more political:
@Sindelo tweeted: "First it was those clouds and now green orbs are seen floating around Cape Town. The aliens have come with white supremacy! #UFOSA"
Verdict: It’s a nice photo, but probably not real. The green light is such a cliché, and it’s obvious a hoaxer would go straight for it. But who am I, an #expert?
4. Chile: Our fourth sighting takes place in the Puerto Varas commune of southern Chile. Let me start by saying that sometimes UFO sightings are a little scary. Like the thought of little gremlins flying around the sky and looking at us living our menial lives while plotting who to harvest next? No, thanks.
But you know what’s really scary? Volcanoes. Luckily for the people of Ensenada, Chile, they got both. Shortly after the Calbuco volcano erupted (twice) last April, several videos surfaced online of a small object hovering around the volcano’s smoke. Apparently, it was a drone — but isn’t that what they always say?
Verdict: Sorry, too busy paying attention to the fact that volcanoes actually, like, exist to think about UFOs.
5. Space: Okay, this one’s the weirdest (and by weirdest, I mean it actually happened in space). Scott Kelly, the astronaut currently spending a year in space aboard the International Space Station (sick FSP idea), regularly uploads photos of our planet from space. November 15 began like any other day spent floating through an endless abyss, until this photo taken by the astronaut revealed something peculiar. There is clearly, undeniably, unquestionably, undoubtedly, for sure, absolutely a UFO in the right-hand corner of the photo.
Verdict: This one’s real. In space, no one can hear you scream — but they can see you tweet the truth. And the truth is #outthere.
BONUS: Isaac Brock of the band Modest Mouse revealed in an interview with Paste magazine this year that a song off their recent album was inspired by a 1997 UFO sighting. My 15-year-old existential, emo self literally ascended to another planet at the sound of this revelation.
The most important news this year, however, was the confirmation that The X-Files will be returning with an official reboot, with Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny reprising their #iconic roles. Given Hillary Clinton’s undeniable assertions that aliens have visited this planet, it’s only appropriate she be given a cameo as the president of the United States or as the cigarette-smoking woman. I’ll take either.
With one presidential candidate on the record about UFOs, I only have one question left:
Bernie, what’s good?