Sorority Rush: The Internal Monologue

By Tarika Narain | 10/1/15 5:52am

It’s a common misconception that Halloween is the ~scariest~ part of October. Those of us who have been through sorority recruitment know better. In a lot of ways, the two are quite similar: the costumes, the decorations, the traveling door-to-door to houses with alarming screams and/or chants emanating from within.
The only difference is that instead of candy, you get your questions like “What’s your major?” or “Where are you from?” or — if you’re lucky — “Spaghetti arms or spaghetti legs?”

But behind all that, rush is really about two women, both of whom are secretly nervous, attempting to get to know each other. And if you’ve never been through rush, or want to relive it (lol), here’s an insight into the internal monologues going on behind the small talk:


PNM: What house even is this and where am I and why am I standing outside in a torrential downpour?
Sister: Wait when was I supposed to memorize the words to our chant? Maybe if I stand here and just yell random syllables, no one will notice.
PNM: Oh sh*t, I lost all my name stickers.
Sister: Wait, no one knows the words. Now we just sound like we’re moaning vaguely to the tune of “Shut Up and Dance.”
PNM: What is that horrific moaning oh my God they’re opening the doors, okay. Game face. Wait, am I smiling or baring my teeth? Is there even a difference, if you really think about it?
Sister: I wonder if LNC has mac and cheese bites today.
PNM: I wonder if LNC has mac and cheese bites today.


Sister: Okay, I just have to grab this girl’s arm. But do I grab her forcefully or is it a gentle tap on the arm kind of thing? Do the rules for a firm handshake apply here?!
PNM: Definitely losing circulation in my arm. Are my hands turning blue? That’s okay. I’ll check back in on that situation later.
Sister: Oh God I just brushed her boob with my fingers. Should I address this? Maybe I can pass it off as some kind of sorority ritual? The Rush Brush?
PNM: I wonder if tender boob brushing is what this sorority is all about. I could get into it, maybe.
Sister: Okay, ask her how she’s doing.
PNM: I know the answer to this one. Not much, you? Wait, no, that can’t be right.
Sister: What’s something meaningful and ~cool~ that I could ask her? I’m blanking. Sh*t. It’s been five minutes and I’ve just been staring at this girl in silence.
PNM: Why isn’t she saying anything? Am I supposed to say something? What’s something meaningful and ~cool~ that I could say to her?
Sister: Abort mission. Just ask her what classes she’s taking.
Sister: Wait, what classes am I taking? Do I have a paper due tomorrow?
PNM: Do I have a paper due tomorrow?
Sister: I just blacked out the last minute and a half and totally didn’t listen to what she said.
PNM: This girl has the straightest teeth I’ve ever seen. Is that a requirement for this sorority? Damn, why didn’t I spring for InvisAlign when I had the chance?
Sister: Am I smiling? Is there a way I can subtly touch my face to check without her noticing? I could pretend that there’s something on my face. Or that I’m stroking an imaginary beard. Yes, let’s go with that one, I’ll look wise as hell.
PNM: Wait, she’s rubbing her cheeks thoughtfully. Should I also be rubbing my cheeks thoughtfully? She looks wise as hell.
Sister: Ask about something else. Wait, my voice is gone. Okay, I can work this voice thing. I sound hot, like Emma Stone. Unless I sound like a preteen boy whose balls just dropped. Today I am a man. Mazel tov.
PNM: Wait, did she just ask me a question? Something is different about her voice. It’s kind of hot, like Emma Stone or Christian Bale as Batman.
Sister: I wonder if LNC has mac and cheese bites today.
PNM: I wonder if LNC has mac and cheese bites today.


Sister: Okay, just lead her to the door. Everyone’s chanting again but I still don’t know the words.
PNM: I literally have no idea what they’re yelling at me. Should I yell back?
Sister: Go for the hug. No wait, that’s weird. Just pat her lightly on the head. That’s more normal.
PNM: I guess head-patting is a thing here, too. Should I go home and practice that? Or maybe they have workshops for Boob-Brushing, Head-Patting and Thoughtful Cheek-Stroking once you get a bid?
Sister: That was weirder than I expected but it’s too late now. Let her go. Be free, young grasshopper.
PNM: I’m out the door. I made it. It’s still raining.
Sister: I wonder if LNC has mac and cheese bites today.
PNM: I wonder if LNC has mac and cheese bites today.

Tarika Narain