Seat-Saving: The Ultimate Guide

By Grace Miller, The Dartmouth Staff | 6/2/15 7:16am

The going rate for a person’s beautiful seat-saving behind is around $150 (give or take a hundred). The “rules” state a person can only save three seats, but at those rates you can’t afford to not save more seats. Here are a few tips on how to save more seats and make more money while being a seat saver.

1. Sleep across the seats.

2. Work out that booty so its large enough to span three seats — that’s five total seats saved now.

3. Recruit children from around the neighborhood and pay them $5 each. Welcome to capitalism, children.

4. Buy a mannequin. Place him next to you. If someone tries to move him scream, “He’s my boyfriend!!!!”

5. Every time someone tries to take a seat near you yell “GAHHHHHH” and then say, “You almost sat on Timmy!” Repeat each time they try to sit until they get uncomfortable and leave.

6. Say you are taking every frat’s dog for a walk. Have them sit on chairs. This would be so damn cute no one would question it.

7. Put on heels and a giant wig to maximize height. Then lay across the chairs à la Rose from Titanic. Every time someone asks you to sit up, wink and then whisper, “Paint me like one of your French girls.”

8. Mix some dirt and water to form some artistic poops. Lay them out in chairs around you.

9. Interpretive dance through the aisles. IT’S ART AND THEY CAN’T STOP IT.

10. Don’t shower for a few days, then stick some Novack sushi under the chairs in the surrounding area. Maintain a stink radius.

11. If someone tries to sit down near you, turn and stare until they can’t take it any longer and leave.

12. Whenever someone tries to sit down near you, offer them $1 to move, haggle until they leave. Suckers don’t know that seat’s worth $100.

13. Throw some ketchup on the chairs you need and surround with caution tape. Get out a camera and begin taking pictures of the crime scene.

14. As someone tries to sit down go, “You can’t do that, I licked it, so it’s mine!”

15. Steal the Sun God’s skeleton and set him up a few chairs down to claim three more seats.

16. Kill two birds with one stone — begin completing the Dartmouth Seven on the Green. People will respect your space.

17. If someone tries to sit near you, slide down and start to hug them. Don’t let go until they leave.

18. Pitch a tent across six or so chairs and go to sleep.

19. Find a baby lion, stand on a chair and lift it into the air singing “The Circle of Life.” Then say “Simba, everything the light touches is our chairs.” People will respect this and leave you all the chairs.

20. Invest in a sumo suit and take up at least seven chairs.

21. Recruit some middle school girls to incessantly make fun of anyone that sits near you. The emotional trauma will scare them away.

22. Spread out your computer, a few textbooks, some laptops,and at least three KAF cups across as many seats as you want. Leave for an hour, or a few days — this obviously is an OK way to save seats, right? I’M LOOKING AT YOU GIRL ON THIRD FLOOR BERRY DURING FINALS.

Grace Miller, The Dartmouth Staff