The Hook Up: Reciprocity
We tend to be a bit obsessed with the idea of fairness. We want grading to be fair. We want court cases to be fair. We want wealth distribution in America to be fair… or so I hope. However, sometimes we get a bit petty about fairness. For example, I’m currently holding grudges based on a few things: the fact that my younger brother currently has a later curfew than I did in high school; that sophomore spring I had a 9L and my roommate didn’t and thus got to sleep more than I did; that once in middle school where my brother ate the last Nutter Butter cookie. However, there are issues of fairness in our everyday life that necessitate further discussion. While I could ramble on about the meal plan or people talking in the Tower Room, I decided to stick with something more in my area of expertise: reciprocity.
Oral sex is “worse” with vaginas than penis: Ugh. I’ve heard this from men and women, and it makes me sad and/or grumpy. There are unique penis struggles (big (or not so big!) thing in your mouth! Gag reflexes! Semen!) and unique vagina struggles (What areas need most attention?! More internal! Often more time-consuming!). However, despite popular arguments, vaginas definitely don’t have a monopoly on smell/hair/taste issues. Go watch “The Vagina Monologues” or something!
Women are less likely to ask: Plausible. Since they are less likely to expect oral, women are less likely to ask directly or do weird nonverbal cues, like the head-push toward the genital region.
Women are less likely to enjoy it: While one-fourth of women are kind of “meh” on oral, the three-fourths who like it tend to be huge fans. In fact, oral is one of the most popular ways for women to achieve orgasm with a partner (way above penis in vagina), so...
What I’m trying to say is, logically, what’s in your partner’s pants isn’t really great grounds to be deciding to reciprocate or not. A good percentage of men and women would like oral, especially if they’re giving someone else head. However, that doesn’t mean there aren’t real reasons that reciprocation can and should not happen. One person may want to give but not receive. One person may simply not feel comfortable giving oral sex for any number of reasons. In general, assuming that a guy is scared of vaginas as the sole reason for lack of reciprocity is problematic and ignores the wider picture (shout out to queer people with reciprocity issues). Any sexual act should be because you want to, not because you think you need to.
Whether you’re hooking up with someone or in a relationship of some kind, you shouldn’t be “expecting” something of someone else sexually. At the same time, be honest with yourself and others about your sexual desires. If you’re secretly building a grudge against your hook up buddy/boyfriend/girlfriend/lover because you feel like you’re getting the short end of the oral stick, you’re going to explode with anger and sexual energy. Even in a one-time hook up, asking for what you want is really the most straightforward and easiest way to indicate to your partner that, while you honestly enjoy giving them pleasure, you want some of your own. For some people, a long-term relationship or comfort trying new sexy things with someone who doesn’t like going down just isn’t going to work — and that’s okay. Conversely, if you’re on the other side of the scale of oral sex justice, it might be time to examine your position, as well. Giving your partner some lovely sexual feelings, if they want them, can be surprisingly arousing and even empowering. While reciprocity shouldn’t be some sort of obligation, you also need to make sure you aren’t being a selfish asshole unconcerned with your partner’s needs, especially based on assumptions about women and vaginas. All may be fair in love and war, but oral sex is not necessarily involved in either of these things.