Dear Freak of the Week,
While studying abroad in Paris this past winter, I started dating a French university student, and we decided to try to stay in a long-distance relationship. My feelings towards her haven’t changed, but doing long-distance has been hard, especially since I have no sense of when our relationship will ever not be long-distance as I don’t know where I’m going to be after college.
She wants me to visit her this summer. I want to visit her, too, and don’t think I'd be able to stay in the relationship if I don’t, but getting on a plane and going to see her is a big commitment of time and resources. I can’t break up with her after that. Should I break up with her now — which will be really hard and result in sad feelings for both of us — or go visit her this summer and signal I’m committed to staying in a relationship that I have questions about?
- Hanover’s Humphrey Bogart
I’ll say it for the 1,000th time: long distance sucks. With the D-Plan and 10-week term sprint, I would imagine that long distance at Dartmouth is even worse. So, to be in a long distance relationship, especially at this point in life, you have to be 100% committed to the relationship with little or no doubts. You have to be in the relationship with marriage or serious long-term commitment in mind, or else the whole thing is a waste of time.
I think you’ve already answered your question based on how you phrased it. If you really liked her enough to stay in the relationship, buying the plane ticket and going to France wouldn’t be something you’d second-guess. It would be an immediate yes; something you were excited to do. The fact that you have no idea when long distance will end is another brutal part of these circumstances — without any concrete end to look forward to, it’s easy for things to fizzle out no matter how strong the connection was.
You said that your feelings haven’t changed, and you also said that breaking up with her would be really hard, so I’m a little bit hesitant to recommend a break-up. I want to provide a course of action, but also another question: Could you see yourself marrying this person? If distance weren’t a factor, do you think that you’d truly be in love with this person? If the answer is yes, then maybe try the visit. An important note too — just because you visit her doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to stay in the relationship. It could be a very useful moment of clarity for both of you. Maybe it’s worth it to see her, talk things out in person and see if the relationship feels the same.
If not, maybe it’s time for a break. We’re so young, and there are so many people to meet and get to know and love. If it’s meant to be, you can always reconnect.
- Eli
This is a tough situation, and you’re not wrong to be confused. But let’s start with the real question here: How do you feel right now? Not how you might feel in three weeks after a plane ride, a weekend of fun and a 3 a.m. goodbye. Right now. Because visiting her won’t magically change how you feel; a few days of togetherness won’t fix what feels wrong the rest of the time. It’ll be an awesome band-aid, for sure. But it won’t fix your doubts right now.
You’re unsure. You’re admitting that in the email. If you’re heavily questioning a relationship, that’s already a reason to get out. In any relationship, but especially when it’s long distance, both parties need to be committed and on the same page. One person starting to drift just prolongs the heartbreak.
It’s clear you care about her deeply. But love alone isn’t always enough. Honestly, love is maybe 30% of a relationship. The other 70% is a whole lot of logistics: timing, geography, personal goals. You can love someone and still not be able to make it work. I know this might be hard to hear — but love also makes you pretty blind to these logistics.
Sorry to be brutal, but those feelings you have? The ones that feel so specific and special and once-in-a-lifetime? They are replicable. That’s not to say she’s replaceable, but the version of connection you felt with her is not the only one you’ll ever feel. There will be more.
Also, quick sidebar: I disagree with Eli — no offense, Eli. You do not need to want marriage to do long distance. But you do need to be in it for the long haul.
You mention how much of a commitment visiting her would be in time, money and emotion. If you were truly all-in, you probably wouldn’t be weighing the costs this heavily. That’s not a judgment, just a reflection of where you are emotionally.
And that’s okay! You’ve given this a shot. That’s not wasted time. But if you’re not sure, why keep investing more? People grow and people change, and that’s just the beauty of life.
My advice: talk to her with the intention of taking a break. That might sound scary or sad, but it will give you both clarity and a fresh start. You can always reconnect later if your paths align. But you won’t get back the time you spend stuck in a relationship that doesn’t feel right. And being single? Not a tragedy. You can forget to text, lie in bed all day, eat ten slices of pizza and not one person is going to be mad at you. Not that I’ve tested that recently. Definitely not last weekend.
- Leila
Eli Moyse ’27 is an opinion editor and columnist for The Dartmouth. He is from Connecticut, and studies government and creative writing.
On campus, Eli is an active member of the Dartmouth Political Union and Dartmouth Army ROTC. He attends Dartmouth on an ROTC scholarship, and upon graduation, he will commission as a Second Lieutenant in the U.S. Army. He has been an active writer and political organizer from a young age, working on over 15 political campaigns varying from local to presidential races, and publishing both fiction and nonfiction on various platforms.
First and foremost, Eli loves to write, and he intends to make some form of it his full time career after his time in the Army.
