Mirror truth-o-meter

by Cristian Cano | 5/3/17 2:10am

Dartmouth students may be held to the highest standards of academic honesty, but they’re not always so truthful outside of the classroom. To help determine the probability that common Dartmouth sayings are true, the Mirror has constructed a Truth-O-Meter. From the most genuine to the most untrustworthy and everything in between, this helpful tool will clear up any confusion the next time you’re unsure what to believe.

Always untrue: “Be there in 5.”

One of our most prominent structures may be a clock tower, but Dartmouth students have yet to master the art of estimating how long it takes to get from point A to point B. When you still have to get out of bed, shower, get dressed, do homework, watch Netflix, take a nap, wake up again, clean your room, leave your dorm, stop by KAF, sunbathe on the Green, fall asleep on the Green, wake up a third time, go to the gym, get on the Ivy League Snap story and THEN make your way to your final destination, chances are that you might need just a bit more than five minutes to get there.

Usually untrue: “Let’s get a meal sometime soon.”

Those who say this usually have good intentions but struggle with commitment. Maybe one day, you’ll finally have a Foco date with that person from your freshman fall Writing 5 class. In the meantime, though, endless club meetings, x-hours and exams will keep this saying from ever being more than an empty promise.

Probably untrue: “I totally failed that exam.”

For the last time: a B+ on an exam is NOT a failing grade. Please have some empathy for the ones who actually failed — chances are, they’re too busy trying to drop the class to complain about how they were only slightly above the median.

Could go either way: “I’m not sleeping tonight.”

This saying is a wild card. Sometimes, people say this but then get to bed before Baker-Berry closes — relatively speaking, not late at all. Other times, those who say this will eventually greet the sunrise, over-caffeinated and emotionally numb, from the solace of Novack’s couches. If that’s the case, then may the Lou’s gods be with you.

Probably true: “I haven’t done laundry in weeks.”

You might be one of the lucky ones who purchased the laundry service or who have family nearby. For the rest of us, though, it’s miraculous how a finite wardrobe can be extended nearly indefinitely. As the weeks go on, priorities like matching socks and color-coordinated outfits lose importance and the only thing that really matters is having clean clothes. If you’ve made it that far, then I hope that you give in and do laundry before having clean clothes also ceases to be a priority.

Usually true: “I’m running low on DBA.”

We all have that one friend who offers to buy everyone KAF at the end of the term to avoid wasting DBA. We also all have many friends for whom -$200 by week 5 is a very, very grim reality.

Always true: “I’m not going out tonight.”

This should hardly come as a surprise, but no student in the history of Dartmouth has ever been persuaded to hit up Webster Ave after vowing to have a productive Friday night in the library. After all, who has time for fratting when there’s homework to be done?

ACTUALLY always true: “I saw the cutest dog today.”

Thanks to Dartmouth’s dog-friendly campus, it’s never hard to find the doggo of your dreams playing on the Green, reducing students’ stress at the Student Wellness Center or drastically increasing the appeal of fraternity houses. Dartmouth students’ fluffy best friends never disappoint.