Sam's Little Larks

by Sam Van Wetter | 1/28/16 8:53pm

PUSHY SAM and PASSIVE SAM are discussing search tactics.

PUSHY SAM: So you need to find your bike.

PASSIVE SAM: I guess so.

PUSHY: You guess so?

PASSIVE: Yeah, I don’t know. The last couple of columns were kind of confusing. I don’t have a firm grasp on the trajectory of the bike search.

PUSHY: You need to find your bike.

PASSIVE: Is that what’s going on?

PUSHY: If I say so, it’s so.


PUSHY: Okay what?

PASSIVE: Sounds like I need to find my bike.

PUSHY: Great. It’s so easy to clarify the plot when most people don’t read week to week.

PASSIVE: I just want to be like “Serial.”

PUSHY: You want to get kidnapped?

PASSIVE: No, I just want to report on it.

PUSHY: Well you’re in luck.


PUSHY: There’s been a kidnapping.

PASSIVE: There has?

PUSHY: Your bike is missing. It was kidnapped.

PASSIVE: It was kidnapped?

PUSHY: Probably.

PASSIVE: How do you know?

PUSHY: It’s a feeling.

PASSIVE: So you don’t really know?

PUSHY: I’m trying to make it like “Serial.”

PASSIVE: Oh! Okay. Um, let’s find someone to interview.

PUSHY: The captors.

PASSIVE: Yes. The captors.

They look around for the captors.

PASSIVE: Do you see them?

PUSHY: No. Do you?

PASSIVE: I’m not sure who I’m looking for.

PUSHY: Someone who might have a bike…

PASSIVE: That could be anyo—


PUSHY accosts a random nearby guy locking up his bike,

PUSHY: What did you think about the bike when you first took it?

GUY: What?

PUSHY: Did you see the look in its eyes when you wheeled it away from its rightful owner?

GUY: Is this a prank thing?

PUSHY: What did you expect to get from him?

GUY: I have class...

He walks away.

PUSHY: (into an invisible recording device) Next time on “Samial”...(He attempts to whistle the “Serial” theme song)

PASSIVE: It doesn’t seem like...nevermind.

PUSHY: Doesn’t seem like what?

PASSIVE: It just didn’t, you know. It didn’t seem like a very, I don’t know, you know, effective interview?

PUSHY: Oh, Sam. The point of “Samial” is not to answer questions or create definite images. The point of these interviews, of this whole investigation, is to give an impression of atmosphere. The feeling of progress. A story told week by week... and never really concluded.

PASSIVE: That won’t work.

PUSHY: Why not? Season one got huge press.

PASSIVE: No, I mean for our investigation. We need results. A conclusion.

PUSHY: We will get results. I’m Pushy.

PASSIVE: I know, Pushy. But so far...

PUSHY: So far? We’ve barely begun. Where do you think you left your bike?

PASSIVE: Oh, I don’t know.

PUSHY: Try to recollect…

PASSIVE: I guess the last time I saw it was in the hallway of my freshman dorm.

PUSHY: Who was there?


PUSHY: We need to interview your UGA.

PASSIVE: — but she’s working for the Peace Corps in Guam and hasn’t blitzed me back in months.

PUSHY: Anyone else?

PASSIVE: I don’t think so...

PUSHY: Are you sure?

PASSIVE: There might have been someone else there. Tall and skinny...with golden, wavy hair and a knockout smile.

PUSHY: No way, dude.

PASSIVE: Yeah, I’m pretty sure our custodian was around.

PUSHY: He was so hot.

PASSIVE: I know.

PUSHY: He could help us.

PASSIVE: I don’t know. He probably has no idea. I wouldn’t have left it in, like, the bathroom so there’s no reason he would have taken it.

PUSHY: Maybe he liked it.

PASSIVE: It was a pretty awful bike.

PUSHY: Maybe he likes you…

PASSIVE: Really?



PASSIVE: Oh. Okay.

DEREK THE SEXY: I don’t pick favorites. I don’t have any. I do have least favorites, though.

PASSIVE: Am I a...a...least favorite?

DEREK THE SEXY CUSTODIAN: I don’t know. Are you the guy that booted on the toilet seat?

PASSIVE: Definitely not.

DEREK: On the shower curtain?

PASSIVE: Pretty sure no.

DEREK: Mirror?

PASSIVE: People do that?

DEREK: People boot anywhere they want. What can I do for you?

PUSHY: We need your help.

DEREK: Step off, Pushy.

PUSHY: You know my name?

DEREK: What?

PASSIVE: Do you remember that day in the hall at the end of freshman year?

DEREK: Nope.

PASSIVE: Really? Come on. I was in the hall, trying to get that rental futon out of my room? You told me not to dent the paint and then you offered to help?

DEREK: I don’t really help move stuff.

PASSIVE: But you offered to help me! And I said no, that I could take care of it myself. So I did. And then I went home for the summer and basically just sat in the sun the whole time, thinking about you.

DEREK: You’re kidding me.


DEREK: Don’t fantasize about me, man, that’s weird. I clean the bathrooms you use but I don’t service you.

PUSHY: Do you have his bike?

DEREK: Back off, Pushy.

PUSHY: How do you know who I am?

DEREK: Stop touching me, kid, seriously.

PUSHY: You’re so hot.

PASSIVE: Please give me my bike back!

DEREK: Why would I have your bike?

PASSIVE: I think I left it in the hall. Freshman year.

DEREK: You think?

PASSIVE: I’m not sure.

DEREK: Well I don’t have it. But I know somewhere we can look...

Join us next week on “Samial”: A couple of Sams and Derek The Sexy Custodian on the trail to find that rascally bike. Will they be successful? We’re not sure.