Freak of the Week: Q for Q

Dear Freak of the Week,

Recently got out of the canonical First Dartmouth Relationship.™️Recovering quite well from that wound for what it’s worth. However, I’ve realized that ... damn, I have NO idea how to play. I’m too chalant! What’s a queer gotta do for another queer? I’m still gonna be me but do I just exploit my demonstrated flitzing ability or go to different scenes on on-nights or what? Not an urgent need for intimacy, but y’know … it’s the full freshman experience right?

With all due respect,

Mike Ehrmantraut

Dear Mike Ehrmantraut,

First of all, I just want to say that Leila and I very much enjoyed the question, “What’s a queer gotta do for another queer?” Although I am not personally a member of the LGBTQ community, I think I can safely say that you pretty fairly sum up a lot of gay people’s feelings who go here. The main thing that I hear, especially from single gay men at Dartmouth, is that the hookup scene is frustratingly tiny and is, by necessity, very messy. I already feel like this as a straight guy, so I can’t imagine how much smaller everything must feel. 

There are also a number of excluding factors –– some Greek house-affiliated gay men that I know won’t hook up with or date younger men for fear that they might join their frat in the next year. Some gay men only want to get with other out gay men, while others are explicitly interested in closeted or “DL” men because they feel as if they already know all the out gay ones. Then there’s friends and exes of friends and the like. Needless to say, my impression is that a small pool can quickly be cut down to a nearly microscopic pool.

So, as much as I hate to say it, it might be worth cooling off for a bit if you don’t have an urgent need for intimacy. Hookup culture is not necessarily part of the freshman experience, and by waiting for a little bit, you might up your value as a newcomer to the dating pool later in your Dartmouth career. Furthermore, waiting might mean some weird dudes get weeded out, so you’ll know who to avoid because reputations travel fast in small circles like these.

Some of my friends have told me that it’s possible to use dating apps including Grindr, although I would warn you that you should expect to see men that you know on there and get used to that being an extremely common/normal occurrence. 

You could try to flitz someone. I wouldn’t do it just because you feel like it’s part of the freshman experience, though. I’d advise you to wait until you’ve found someone that you like, and then pull the trigger.

In terms of being “too chalant,” I honestly wouldn’t worry about that too much at this school. As long as you’re not being creepy, I think most people like being approached and enjoy when someone is bold. So, again, if you like someone or think you might get along, go for it! Being mysterious might seem attractive, but it’s also pretty boring.

I know this advice is more cautious than what I usually come up with, but it’s because I know a good number of upperclassmen gay men who are sick of the dating scene because they feel like they’ve ran out of people, so I want to warn you that this might be a relatively common experience. I hope this is helpful and that you’re recovering from your relationship well!

- Eli

Dear Q for Q,

This is a very common problem. I feel like many queer people here end up in a super serious relationship their freshmen year, then get out of it and become what some may call “evil,” but I like to call “OTP” — “On The Prowl.”

I have a theory that no one at Dartmouth knows how to talk to people. That’s why we have things like Last Chances and flitzing. No one approaches anyone. It’s a huge issue that is compounded by the advent of dating apps and Gen Z generally not discussing their feelings honestly with each other. Hence, the explosion of the situationship. 

So, in this day and age, being chalant is actually quite a good thing. For one, it helps you get what you want and weed out the people who aren’t right for you. When you seriously put yourself out there, the right person will reciprocate. 

In terms of actually finding people, you have many options, but you might have to wait a bit. In my experience, the dating scene at Dartmouth seriously opens up if you choose to join Greek life. You’ll have set-up semis, or your big will try and fix you up with an upperclassman they know. You may run into the problem that you’ve been set up with seemingly every queer person on campus, but that’s an issue for another day. For now, take comfort in the fact that your dating life here is far from over.

And don’t be so hard on yourself! I’m confident that you do know how to “play.”

- Leila