Joe Kind, A Guy

by Joe Kind | 10/29/15 7:10pm

Halloween has rolled around, and once again I am struggling to think of a good costume.

I know what you’re all thinking— “FoCo Joe, if you can conjure up random desserts every other dinner, surely you must have some costume ideas?!!”

I do. But as you read in my previous column, I have no new friends. And my great costume idea for this year is a group costume — dressing up as the five emotions from Pixar’s hit “Inside Out.” I most likely would have been Anger or Fear, depending on the group of people who would have dressed up alongside me. I have other ideas too, but the challenge for me lies in coming up with costumes I can realistically execute. This happens to me every year.

Execution has never been a problem for my parents, however. My mom and dad have dressed up in couples costumes for years, to much praise from both their friends and mine. 2007’s Sarah and Todd Palin costumes might have been their peak, though 2010 was a big year as well. My parents dressed up as Jersey Shore’s own Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi and Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino. My mom spent at least 20 minutes perfecting her Snooki poof alone. She had shopped at two or three different Spirit Halloween stores in town, looking for just the right head of synthetic black hair. She carried a jar of pickles for most of the night, if I recall correctly. My dad, too, borrowed the rubber abs my mom bought me for my Superman costume six years prior. He dyed his hair black and even bought a pair of magnetic diamond earrings to really complete the look.

I have to say, I love a good group costume. To be clear, though, a good group costume does not equate to a group of friends all wearing the same Ghostbusters onesie. A good group costume occurs when an individual costume is made that much better when seen in the context of the group costume. The group of ’16s who dressed up as the characters from "Zoolander" for Sigma Delt’s semi last weekend is a terrific example. Derek, Hansel, Maury, Mugatu and even Katinka were all present. Like any good costume, it’s all about execution.

For a school with such an affinity for flair, a non-Dartmouth student may think that Halloween would be an obsolete celebration at this campus. Every tails event is themed, for one. Most semi-formals have some sort of dress-up theme to them. And then, of course, there are regularly-scheduled parties with themes. It is no wonder that Dartmouth students amass such extensive collections of crazy clothes over the course of their four years here.

Alas, Halloween here is different from all other nights.

Many Dartmouth students, in not most, love their flair. But because there are so many themed parties — tails between Greek houses or specific events open to all of campus — not every student is so spirited to dress up every single night. It can be taxing to constantly coordinate clothes.

Halloween is the one night of the year where so many people actually dress up. To go out on Halloween night not in a costume is largely frowned upon. The brothers in my fraternity, for example, knew what they would be wearing for Halloween a week in advance. Given how much flair exists on this campus, it should generally be easy to dress up for Halloween. Unlike themed parties, any costume passes the test. Therefore pretty much any piece of flair should do, conceptually speaking. This year is no exception.

Unlike previous years, however, Halloween lands on a Saturday. A Saturday Halloween means that the preceding nights will likely feature Halloween parties, as well. The result? MULTIPLE HALLOWEEN COSTUMES. For those of us lacking creative juices, this presents a problem.

Do I have a solution to this problem?? Kind of. I will leave you dear readers with some ideas for relatively easy Halloween costumes. I’ll get back to you with what I end up wearing.

— Dress up entire in one color. Last year, I wore all blue and went as “the ocean.” It was such a stupid idea, and the costume was so bad. But it was a costume. Wear all purple and go as “midnight” or all yellow and go as “the sun” — lots of room for creativity here.

— Dress up like Kentucky’s own Kim Davis, if you have the right attire. White long-sleeved shirt, light blue T-shirt, glasses, brown hair, white headband — look up the Saturday Night Live spoof during Miley Cryus’ opening monologue, which is hilarious.

— Speaking of Miley, anything she wears is a Halloween costume in itself. She’s been everywhere this year, so there’s lots of material to work with — or maybe not so much material.

— Dress up as Phil Hanlon and Gail Gentes. They are both so great and so iconic.

— Dress up as your favorite late-night EBAs order — orange, yellow, red and other pizza-like colors plus an EBAs box on your shirt.

— Dress up as Cecil the Lion and the dentist who killed Cecil the Lion.

— Dress up as a Taylor Swift video icon.

— Dress up as a presidential primary candidate. Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are the go-to choices, but Bernie Sanders could be good, too.

Worst case scenario, wear an orange t-shirt and go as a pumpkin — the ultimate classic. If possible, tape on some black teeth and go as a jack-o-lantern. It can’t hurt!