Fridays with Marian

by Marian Lurio | 10/2/14 7:53pm

If you’ve been paying attention to the news, then you’ve undoubtedly read, seen and/or heard about Robin Thicke’s recent ordeals and legal drama. I’m only kidding — you have to look really hard on a slow news day for this riveting drama.

I could probably write this yearlong column exclusively about Thicke’s personal and deep-seated emotional problems. But I won’t do that to you, Phil. For this week, at least, I’d like to focus on Thicke’s deposition testimony from April, which was just recently made public. What was the testimony for, you might ask? Well, Marvin Gaye’s children sued Thicke for allegedly ripping off the singer’s hit “Got to Give it Up.” But most important was Thicke’s shocking reveal during the testimony.

“Every day I woke up, I would take a Vicodin to start the day and then I would fill up a water bottle with vodka and drink it before and during my interviews,” Thicke said in the deposition transcript.

Thicke conveniently forgot to mention this when he was promoting the song — in fact, he lied about pretty much every aspect of the “Blurred Lines” creation process. PHARRELL WROTE IT. Sorry for the caps, but let’s just say my life was pretty shattered after that revelation.

Disclaimer: I used to be obsessed and IN LOVE with Thicke. You know my love (read: stalker tendencies) ran deep when I was more excited to see him than Beyoncé. Because yes, he was the opening act for Beyoncé’s 2007 tour, “The Beyoncé Experience.” My longtime BFF Dévi bought the tickets as a present for my birthday. We have gone to quite a few concerts together, and pretty much all of them come with a great story — except for this concert which happens to be relevant to this week’s topic.

Of course, once Beyoncé performed, I realized I’d been foolish to act as if “The Beyoncé Experience” was just a sideshow to Robin Thicke’s slow croons-mixed-with-lots-of-falsetto. I have hundreds of pictures and videos to commemorate my Beyoncé experience — if you (Phil) are interested in seeing them, let me know or feel free to hack into my iCloud. I don’t have nearly as many photos of Robin Thicke because he was an opening act and therefore spent much less time on stage than Beyoncé, and because I was too busy screaming inappropriate things to him at the top of my lungs from a distance too far away for him to hear (the first row on the side of the “mosh pit.” This was not a problem at the Katy Perry concert, but that’s a story for another week).

Honestly though, as I’m writing this, I’m listening to “The Evolution of Robin Thicke (Deluxe Edition)” and still loving it. I may have fallen back in love with the (old) Robin, if I’m being real with myself and with you, my readership. You may remember the song “Lost Without U” from that soulful album — an instant classic if you ask me.

But I must say I’m a little upset Robin didn’t write “Blurred Lines” while under the influence because that might help to explain (but not justify!) the lyrics of that song — and the (uncensored) music video.

Of course, when prompted by an interviewer for GQ magazine, Thicke responded to his haters, saying, “I’ve always respected women.” There’s a lot I could say about this claim.

Remember the photo in which he has his hand between some woman’s legs (only visible in the mirror behind them, which is captured in the photo!)? She recently said that the pair did indeed have sex, then RT was kind enough to finally introduce his woman du jour to his then-wife, actress Paula Patton. Remember that time a naked Paula graced his album cover? Actually, you might not because that was back when he sported greasy shoulder-length locks (and you thought his hair was weird now…) and went by his nom-de-plume — Thicke.

Just in case you weren’t creeped out enough already, Thicke devoted his 2014 album — “Paula” — to his estranged wife, the mother of his son Julian Fuego Thicke. Evidently, Thicke hasn’t evolved all that much — lest we forget his 2009 album “Sex Therapy.”

On the other hand, I have. The few non-brooding songs on the “Evolution” album, which were irrelevant to my life back when I was a die-hard fan, have finally become relatable since arriving at Dartmouth. I’m of course referencing “Cocaine” (self-explanatory) and “Teach U a Lesson” (a song about a teacher-student roleplay scenario). I’m only kidding — my current reality or fantasies (hello to those government department hotties) thankfully do not involve what Anne Hathaway might call “love and other drugs.”

While I’m on [the topic of] illicit substances, I can’t help but think about the relationship between getting messed up and being a real person. Thicke may think it’s normal to wake up in your own vomit. And if you asked Andrew Lohse ’12, he’d probably tell you that many Dartmouth students (or at least those in the Greek system) embrace this practice. But I’ve observed that Dartmouth students are some of the most hygienic people you’ll ever meet (not to be confused with the thru-hikers). Let me take this opportunity to say that I’m not trolling around Dartmouth messed up all the time (or literally ever) — so despite how disheveled I look, that’s not my life. I just have unruly hair (and who am I to tell it how to live its life?) and enjoy glaring at my peers. So don’t pull a Robin Thicke and waste all of your 15 minutes of fame, or your time at Dartmouth, high on cocaine.

Also, this is an aside, but am I the only person who finds shot fairies roaming the library during finals a simultaneously annoying and confusing — but mostly annoying — phenomenon? Please leave your response (hopes, aspirations and dreams) somewhere on my computer and/or Google Drive account, Phil.