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The Dartmouth
March 28, 2024 | Latest Issue
The Dartmouth

Riding the Pine

The greatest trick Hank and Fish ever pulled was convincing the world they no longer existed.

One measly week after we wrote our column’s obituary in this very paper, we find ourselves answering the Siren call of blogging once again. Though we wish we could have walked peacefully into the sunset at summer’s end as universally-adored, much-feted heroes of 14X, editor-in-chief Lindsay Ellis grabbed us by our ponytails and yanked us back into the limelight, forcing us to put our reputations on the line one final time. Due to extremely poor Internet at our “friend’s” vacation house, we are currently locked in an unlit four-by-four closet, intended only for an Internet router and what appear to be other electronics.

To those of you who don’t know us yet (presumably only the least cool 20 percent of the freshman class, so definitely not Ill Fayze), by day we are Henry and Joe, two mild-mannered, run-of-the mill campus commoners. The night before our column is due, we become Hank and Fish, superheroes of the sports section and co-authors of the most widely read and widely hated column: Riding the Pine.

To catch all you rookies up to speed, we graciously decided to take time out of our dream vacation and introduce ourselves. We are two jaded ’16s coming off a fast and furious sophomore summer that chewed us up and spit us out. You are probably used to everyone on this campus catering to your every whim. Don’t come to this column looking for love. The bad boys of blogging aren’t here to pander to the newly baptized among us. We’re here to deliver sports takes enema-style to the entire Dartmouth student body.

It’s not often that you get to continue a legacy immediately after publishing your swan song. Hank and Fish may not know much, but we’re smart enough to know when The Dartmouth has laid a golden egg right in our laps. With one final shot before the D-Plan ruthlessly rips us apart for the remainder of 2014, Hank and Fish have decided to write a column that will etch our legacy in stone. This week Riding the Pine will effortlessly and correctly predict the Super Bowl XLIX champions — emphasis on the word “effortlessly.”

Jay Cutler will lead the Chicago Bears to its first Super Bowl championship since 1985 and second of all time. This prediction is primarily driven by Fish drafting Matt Forte, Cutler, Alshon Jeffery and Brandon Marshall on one fantasy team — idiotic strategy and click bait wrapped into one.

Admittedly, Fish fears damning the Bears with the “curse of RTP.” After we predicted Johnny Manziel would be the first pick in the NFL draft, he fell to 22 overall. We then predicted Tiger Woods would win the British Open. He tied for 69. Obviously, these picks were smart as hell and faltered only due to supernatural forces beyond our control.

Back to the good stuff. After years of defensive excellence at the cost of offensive mediocrity under coach Lovie Smith, the Bears brought in Canadian Football League offensive guru Marc Trestman to transform its squad. Last year — Cutler’s first under the new offensive scheme — showcased a stunningly effective aerial attack until the quarterback’s season was cut short by groin and ankle injuries. Though the Vanderbilt alumnus is injury-prone, we have no doubt he will improve.

Cutler is only one of many star players on the team. Last season, Forte tallied nearly 2,000 all-purpose yards, good for fourth in the league. An excellent open space running back capable of breaking plays for big gains at any moment, Forte benefits greatly from Cutler’s ability to open up the field by throwing to his top-caliber wideouts like Marshall and last year’s breakout star Jeffery.

NFL analyst Elliot Harrison ranked the Bears’ offseason as second best in the league. The team addressed its pressing defensive concerns by picking defensive standouts in the first three rounds of the draft. Chicago’s run defense was the worst in the NFL last season, but after drafting two tackles and signing four defensive ends, the team’s defense should improve on last year. Veteran defensive end Jared Allen marks the team’s strongest defensive signing. He has tallied double digit sacks in each of the last seven seasons. Though he is getting old and there are negative rumors about his fitness, Riding the Pine believes Allen will help the Bears hearken back to their former defensive glory.

As you embark on your Dartmouth journey, you’re probably bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, walking around campus with innocent grins stretched across your young and supple faces. For our parting shot, we’re happy we got the chance to pour Riding the Pine’s poison into your pliable brains this early on. Hank’s off in the fall, so you ’18s won’t have the pleasure of mingling with a maniac. Fish will be holding it down in Hanover, and he desperately needs ’18s (Ill Fayze, we are talking to you) to step up and assume Hank’s place both in the sports section and in his heart. If you like sports but aren’t good enough to play, come to Robinson Hall. We’ll buy you pizza.