Last week, the Legends issued a New Year’s proclamation (way more intense than any old resolution) that 2014 would be a year of victory for the Legends. We would put fall term’s near-losses behind us and think only about our future as the premier intramural champions on this campus — or at least the only ones who take the time to write about it each week.
Well, that must have freaked out the varsity athletes reading this column (Austin’s sister, a soccer player at Bellarmine University in Louisville, Ky., may be our only one, but who’s counting?) because we ended up receiving zero challenge requests for the week. We couldn’t let your down, so we went out in search for a challenge ourselves.
I drove up to Stowe, Vt., this weekend for the University of Vermont’s Ski Carnival. About 17 seconds after I walked into the lodge, the race director announced that the race had been cancelled due to bad conditions. Call it what you may, but I think the Catamounts were scared to see what I could do on my snowboard against the so-called “nation’s top skiers.” It was a huge bummer because there were a good number of Ivy League schools represented there, and I was looking forward to heckling the “Hahvahd” athletes (who are so tough, they knit themselves scarves during breaks).
With the race cancelled, I instead ate and drank my way around the greater Stowe area (the Ben and Jerry’s factory, a Cabot store, the Cold Hollow Cider Mill and a Heady Topper brewery should not be allowed to exist within a five-mile radius) and had to think of an alternate way to challenge the ski team, a challenge that will transpire once there is powder instead of an ice rink in every parking lot and sidewalk. Looking at you, Facilities, Operations and Management. Austin bit it on Monday and almost had to tap out for the week.
Having the competition stifled by the “weather” and scaredy CAT-amounts, Austin and I decided instead to get ourselves ready for a different winter sport that we are playing soon. “They’re playing bas-ket-ball” and Lil’ Bow Wow references aside, we both know a bit about the game.
Austin hails from Kentucky, where basketball is second only to horse racing. The last two winners of the NCAA National Championship are from Kentucky, including what he dubs the “only team that actually matters in college basketball, or sports in general — the University of Louisville Cardinals.”
I have played for seven or so intramural squads while at Dartmouth and have won a few championships in my day. Out of courtesy to my opponents, past and future, I won’t specify how many, but it’s a lot. I know my way around the court.
So this week we decided to try something that hadn’t been done before: Legend versus Legend. What would happen when these two great athletes faced one another? What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?
We decided to take to the courts and test it out. We decided to play to three (as we didn’t want “endurance” or “conditioning” to play a role) and then decided on a game of P-I-G to judge our shot-making ability.
For those of you who don’t know, I have a six-inches in height on Austin, who doesn’t “worry about those kinds of details.” Those details, apparently, do matter — despite a lot of mild defensive play, I put up two layups within a minute. Two-zip good guy. He bounced back, though, finally getting the ball with some questionable defensive hustle. His shoot-pretty-much-any-chance-you-get strategy actually panned out and he put the ball in the hoop. I halted his momentum with a crippling three-ball. The real Legend won 3-1.
P-I-G honestly went pretty much like you would expect. Apparently just because you like basketball doesn’t mean you can actually play. Yeah, Austin, that’s getting printed, and there’s nothing you can do about it. We won’t call it a draw. I won, hands down.
So in the Legend-on-Legend battle royale, I am up one — under Austin’s protest, of course. But we want to get back out there and put the dream team back together. Winter athletes, our inboxes are open. See you next week.
