Full disclosure, this column was around a few seasons back. The premise is simple: Legendary NARPs (non-athlete regular people, if you live under a rock) from the intramural scene play Division I athletes in their respective sport. Challenges are issued each week and competitions are designed to test the skills used in live games.
Put simply by Michael Lewis in "Liar's Poker": "One hand, one million dollars, no tears." Unfortunately, The D wouldn't give us one million dollars a week to gamble with Division I athletes for business and eligibility reasons. So to all the athletes out there looking for your Johnny Football payday, you will have to settle for what we do have to offer: respect and a free subscription until you graduate.
In the past, this column was run by some of the most legendary intramural athletes to ever hit Dartmouth. We are not talking about guys who occasionally strolled to the tennis courts in the Moosilauke IM league with their friends or tried to get a free round at the Hanover Country Club for intramural golf.
The guys we are talking about lived and breathed intramural sports and had so many championship t-shirts, they had to get an extra rooms in their crappy New York City apartments just to hang half of them up. These guys lived and died by intramural soccer scores, slid into home in co-rec softball just to ensure a double-digit margin of victory and broke dates with girlfriends, parents and grandparents because their intramural cornhole squad wasn't up to par. Freshmen, you may be asking yourselves, "Who in the world would take intramural sports so seriously? Isn't it supposed to be fun? I just wanted to bond with my floor!" Yeah, bring that bushleague attitude and your freshman floor team to the Granite league and see how long you last. Upperclassmen, you know exactly who I am talking about. Feared and loathed by opponents, tolerated by hyper-competitive teammates, these competitors come in with a chip on their shoulder because "they probably could have played D-I if they hadn't been so busy with school and stuff."
What we're thinking about now is your follow-up question. It's either "Hey, this isn't the Mirror's Overheards that I have heard so much about" or "Why do these guys get to bring this back? Who do they think they are?" The answer to the former is simple: the Mirror is a Friday thing. It's Monday, which at Dartmouth may seem the same, but it's not. To the latter, it all goes back to one thing: we asked the editors first and they like us more than they like having empty space in the paper.
More important than why we were allowed to do this, however, is why we want to try our luck against these D-I athletes. The answer: we are in this for the sheer glory of victory. We want to go down in the annals of Dartmouth intramural history as mystical intramural legends, with stories to tell our kids and grandkids. In the words of a man who started from the bottom and now is here (at legendary status), we want "the money and the cars, the cars and the clothes."
I am not going to spell out our resumes for you because there isn't enough space or time. Freddie is probably the most spirited guy at this College and a wizard on the intramural fields, from golf to softball to the 30-Day Ironman. I have been on my share of intramural championship squads and have the elusive intramural championship hat, which requires no explanation in prestige and glory. In the spirit of intermural sports, we will also employ anyone who can help us win at any cost (we already reached out to Tim Tebow, who we hear is in the area with nothing to do). We do not have to know you or like you or even tolerate you. If you can help us win, you're in, no need to apply.
For those athletes out there looking for a little "friendly" competition, we will take all challenges unless it makes us look stupid, or if you are only available before 9:00 a.m. or Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday after 8:00 p.m., and sometimes Tuesday if 3 Guys is still doing trivia. We have trained hard this off-season and are in peak physical condition. That's right: unfortunately for you, we have gone the extra mile. We have been pounding blue Powerade at Foco and limiting ourselves to two rounds of cookies after dinner, unless they have those Mint Oreo bars. We stopped eating at Collis and are on a first-name basis with everyone at the Hop (how many workout specials do you eat a day?). We worked out more than just our biceps at the gym and we know how to operate that weird thing there with the ropes and mini trampoline that, as we learned, is not for jumping on. Whatever. Just know that the line has been drawn and we play for keeps.
