The other day I went to the dentist. I hate the dentist, so you can add that to the list of things that I hate from my last column of the winter. When I was leaving to pay, the lady who was checking me out got into some small talk with me, which I also hate, and she asked, "So, what did you go to college for?"
I was a bit caught off guard and simply replied, "Uh, I was a history major, I played football at Dartmouth and now I'm moving to New York." Clearly I had no idea how to answer the question.
A little shaken up, I got in the car and, to heal my pain, went to Ice Cream Fore-U for a milkshake. Upon tasting the sweet nectar of my Oreo peanut butter banana concoction, the answer came to me. I went to college to have the best four years of my life. And with one more day of classes left in my Dartmouth career, I can confidently say they have been.
Graduation is in a couple weeks and, to be honest, I'm pretty surprised the College didn't choose me to give the Commencement speech. Geoffrey Canada seems like a great guy and all but he's no Island. Due to my dismay and this blatant disrespect, I've decided that in my final column I will announce my retirement. This may not be as heartfelt as Lou Gehrig's, but here is my farewell address:
[Cue my walk up music: Cher's "Believe"... Standing ovation ensues... Walk up to the microphone, think about singing, but decide I have to save my voice for the long speech that's about to come]
Thank you, thank you. How's everybody doing today?
[Think about Ray Lewis]
First of all, I would like to thank G
[Remember that I hate Ray Lewis, time to shift gears]
Actually, instead of thanking God, or my friends and family first, I would like to thank my fraternity.
You guys have been there for me from the beginning. Read my column every week. I remember that one time over spring break in Cancun
[Cut myself off time to regroup, realize that I'm giving a retirement speech and how my friends went skinny-dipping in a lagoon and almost getting eaten alive by crocodiles might not be relevant]
[Take a deep breath, decide to channel my inner Alex Ferguson]
Now, I must pay tribute to my family. Their love and support has been essential.
[Look at my mom, pour my heart out]
My mom Susan has been the key figure throughout my career, providing bedrock of both stability and encouragement. Words are not enough to express what this has meant to me.
[The crowd starts crying. I start crying]
My pen may have run out ink, but today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of this earth. I haven't been in many football stadiums because I usually failed to make the travel roster, but I have never received anything but kindness and encouragement from fans.
[Brett Favre creeps into my head]
I've given everything I can possibly give to The Dartmouth and Dartmouth in general, and I don't think I have anything left to give.
[Think to myself that I'm probably going to write again, and then like Favre, I'll probably even retire again, but continue to play on the crowd's emotions]
It's over. As hard as it is to say for me, it's over.
[See a cute reporter, mouth to her, "Last chance?"]
[Focus Corey, remember that you still have an awful lot to live for, even if it means less facetime]
Like Magic Johnson famously said, I guess now I get to enjoy some of the other sides of living. So life is going to go on, and I'm going to be a happy man.
[Check off referencing a hometown hero and sports legend but seriously question whether or not I actually believe what I'm saying. Proceed to put on a fake smile]
[Inspire the masses one more time]
Don't give up. Don't ever give up.
[End the speech in style like Billy Madison]
I will always love you Dartmouth, but it's time for me to go. Peace! I'm out of here.
[Cue my exit music: Backstreet Boys's "I Want It That Way," whistle to my white horse, Santana, and ride off into the sunset]
