Dear Gardner and Kate,I'm coming up for Green Key. Are you excited to see me?
Ira Levent '10
Gardner: I hate to be the one to break it to you, but no one is particularly excited to see you. Sadly, the Green Keys of coming back to see undergraduates who you knew well are behind you. It may be surprising, but current students aren't as thrilled as you are about you coming back, drinking their beer, getting irresponsibly drunk and breaking things. Luckily, a trip to Stinson's and the purchase of three or four cases of beer immediately changes the equation in your favor and makes you a welcome addition to campus.
Kate: Additionally, you have reached the time where you can no longer crash in someone's room for Green Key. Unless you are a relative, offering legitimate compensation or saved a '13's life on trips your senior year, find alternative housing. And no, that does not mean trying to hook up with a freshman by telling them they need you to "complete their decade." They were literally in seventh grade when you arrived at Dartmouth.
Dear Gardner and Kate, There's a new study table along the windows just outside the entrance to Collis Cafe. It seats five, but has fifteen electrical outlets. What's up with that?
Observant Owen '16
Gardner: To be honest, Owen, you are the first '16 to contribute a question that has any idea what (s)he is talking about. All year we have been fielding questions like "Is it a good idea to take a 9S, 2, 10A?" and "Do you think that senior boy I've hooked up with a couple times is going to take me to dinner with his parents next week?" These are questions that anyone who has been on an admissions tour could answer. Out of nowhere, you come in with this keen observation and submit it as a question just to show off. I back it 100 percent. Well done, Owen.
Kate: However, if you thought we wouldn't answer your clearly rhetorical question, you were mistaken. The fifteen electrical outlets clearly offer a currently untapped opportunity to utilize the entrance of Collis as a rogue entrepreneurial arena. Set up several alternative smoothie makers that allow for the use of peanut butter and avocados, as well as diminish the traditional smoothie line. Then, gather some DASH sheets and reap the benefits of students forgetting it is effectively impossible to enter Collis any time between 11:20 a.m. and 1:50 p.m.
Dear Gardner and Kate,I want to make sure I immortalize my last Green Key. More importantly, I didn't get a good profile picture at Derby. How can I be photo-ready all weekend?
Facetimey Fannie '13
Gardner: Since you failed to get a profile picture at Derby, I'll do a quick refresher of the basics. If the weather is nice, exclusively wear sundresses and spend as much time outside as possible. Make sure that you always have a pair of sunglasses on hand if the glare could cause squinting. To maximize opportunities, try standing on things such as benches, porches and tree stumps while pointing at anyone with an iPhone or camera to summon their attention and get your picture taken. Everyone loves pictures of girls standing on things and pointing.
Kate: Green Key photo do's: "candids," photos taken by the one girl in your house with a nice camera, group pictures of your freshman floor/sorority/"reunion" of some sort for a new cover photo, informative blacked out photos that will not be uploaded to Facebook. Green Key photo don'ts: actual candids, "action shots" of you poorly playing pong, photos of you hugging your nemesis while caught up in the spirit of the weekend, evidence you started crying while eating a Hot Pocket in Novack at 8:30 p.m. on Thursday.
Dear Gardner and Kate,I know you're up late working on the column, but I wanted to stop by and tell you about all the awesome events that are happening on campus tomorrow. Hope you can stop by!
- D2U Daily Updates
Gardner: Thanks for stopping by as usual to remind me that I'm not getting the most of my Dartmouth education. Well, for the first time ever, joke's on you. Kate and I are calling your bluff and orchestrating the D2U challenge. Every day next week, we're attending an event that we find in your daily digest of activities. Kate: We are?Gardner: Yes, we are. We'll report back next week. Kate: Welcome to the long-awaited Bucket List 2.0.
