Dear Gardner and Kate,
Why is there a vending machine next to GreenPrint on FFB? Do you think this is a good idea?Inquisitive Irene '06
Gardner: I have a few problems with this vending machine. First, and most importantly, why is it sticking out two feet from the wall? Did they honestly not measure before installing it to determine whether or not it would jump out and hit me while I'm trying to determine if the GreenPrint machine on the left is broken as usual? Secondly, there are some things that are not meant to be bought from vending machines. Most of those things are currently in this vending machine. Sure, I understand picking up an $8 pair of headphones, but who buys an $80 Mac charger or casually decides to purchase an iPhone case on DA$H while waiting in the GreenPrint line? This machine is "boldly and unabashedly capitalistic," and I won't stand for it.
Kate: The vending machine next to GreenPrint is probably the best improvement to Baker-Berry since King Arthur Flour. Never before has a vending machine fused together three of the most essential pieces of my Dartmouth experience: constantly losing essential pieces of technology, refusal to leave Baker-Berry for long periods of time and the conviction that DA$H isn't real money. If these machines were around last winter, I wouldn't have had to face the judging eyes of computer store employees when I bought three pairs of new headphones and one new computer charger as I wrote a string of papers with One Direction on repeat. I'm anticipating that when finals and below freezing temperatures roll around this term, others will begin to see my point of view.
Dear Gardner,
I've had a huge crush on this girl on my floor since Orientation, but she doesn't seem to notice me. How should I proceed?Tepid Terrence '16
Two roads diverged outside the Choates. On the first, grassy and wanting wear, you talk to this girl, ask her to a nice FoCo or Murphy's dinner and show her your sense of humor and general amiability. Go out of your way to make her notice you. On the second road, you ignore her, quietly watch as she's sporadically blown off by bros who are much sweeter than you, drunkenly confess your love to her in a basement some time next year, pretend it never happened and then sit anxiously hoping that she will last chance you during Senior Week. Take the road less traveled by, Terrence, for that can make all the difference.
Dear Gardner and Kate,
It's week four of my FSP. We're living in close quarters, we don't speak the language and we have lost the ability to functionally interact with non-Dartmouth students. Please send help or KAF baked goods.Emily '14
Gardner: I know where you're coming from. I went on an FSP last fall with nine girls. Just nine girls. We were in a strange foreign land known as Scotland, where they speak a variation of English that is hardly recognizable. Was it intimidating? Maybe. Was it the most fun term I've had? Absolutely. Simply put, if you're not having the time of your life on your FSP, you're doing something wrong. Go on weekend trips to interesting places, drink legally and write a blog that no one reads about mundane activities that are only somewhat noteworthy because they're taking place in a foreign country. It's a Dartmouth rite of passage.
Kate: I'm afraid KAF baked goods won't help you now. As a veteran of an FSP that drove several participants back to the United States, I understand your situation all too well. Feuds are blossoming. Wallets and passports are disappearing at the least opportune times. The bed bugs have started to burrow into your sheets and skin.
Your only option is to allow the situation to boil over in a way only Dartmouth students know how: FSP formal. Following the format of a Dartmouth formal, tails at your flat will end in blacked out high spirits or tears, dinner will feature a loss of dignity and several essential items and after dinner, all tension will be worked out in the form of screaming matches or ill-advised hook-ups.
Despite all of this, the group will look back at the evening fondly and continue interacting with minimal levels of drama for at least a week.
Dear Kate,
Why are there skunks literally everywhere at Dartmouth? Is this a recent development? What is happening?Smelly Susie '13
While I'm not sure why you thought I would be best equipped to answer this question, I'll try to help. As I was trying to research the suspicious influx of skunks in the Hanover area to provide some sort of informative and witty info for you, I instead discovered pet skunks. New Hampshire is one of the few states in which pet skunks are legal (live free or die, etc.), and the result is adorable. There is a pretty extensive debate on the ethics of the whole situation, as well as the smell issue, so you should probably avoid abducting the stalking skunks. I guess my advice is to just add "cute skunks" to your YouTube search list while avoiding ever going outside for the remainder of your Dartmouth experience.
Dear Kate and Gardner,
I keep sleeping through my Writing 5 class, which is a 9L. Do you have any helpful advice on how I can stop this troubling trend and start waking up?Freddie Freshman '16
Kate: It's so great to hear from you again, Freddie! I hope this means that you are not only a hypothetically regular reader, but also a huge fan. Sadly, I still refuse to condone 9Ls. I understand you are a freshman, but there is really no excuse for this tomfoolery. When one of us takes a 9L, the College allows them to continue to exist, ultimately harming the sleeping schedules of older and wiser students when their final distrib falls in the 9L slot. However, since you've already made your (incredibly wrong) decision this term, I would suggest looking into polyphasic sleep. With six 20-minute naps every four hours, you could probably write a memoir about the debauched life of being a freshman male at Dartmouth in your spare time!
Gardner: There is only one foolproof solution. Procure a loud alarm clock, a George Foreman grill and some bacon. Lay out a few strips of bacon on the grill before you go to bed and set your alarm for 7:45 a.m. When your alarm goes off, plug in the grill and turn off your alarm. Thirty minutes later, you will awaken to the smell of fresh bacon a full half hour before your 9L. It's a win, win, win. Just watch out for your foot.
Dear Gardner and Kate,
Is it alright if we keep reading your weekly advice column?Your Parents
Kate: Absolutely!
Gardner: Absolutely not!