Dartmouth kids love to complain. We whine about food, social life, cold weather, nothing to do in Hanover we could go on forever. Luckily, The Mirror is here to tell you the reality of your supposed "big problems" and to provide some easy fixes.
Problem: JYK's sudden departure is giving me daddy issues.Reality: He's off to bigger and better things (like Superman... maybe).Solution: When you're sad and alone crying in your room, picture him flying around the world saving children, damsels in distress, etc.
Problem: DDS won't blend my kale smoothie.Reality: Kale smoothies taste like last night's boot.Solution: Dirt Cowboy will blend it for you!
Problem: I think I might be an alcoholic.Reality: Yeah...Solution: It's not alcoholism til you graduate!
Problem: January feels like Antarctica.Reality: January feels like Antarctica.Solution #1: Off term (duh).Solution #2: Casual flight to Cabo on an eventless weekend.Solution #3: Sit in your room and dream of SPRING BREAK!!
Problem: H-Po is out to get me.Reality: H-Po is out to get me.Solution: Please let us know when you figure it out.
Problem: She won't hook up with me because my frat is "B-side."Reality: She won't hook up with you because you're creepy.Solution: Stop trolling for girls in basements.
Problem: I don't want to go to drill.Reality: You hate going to drill because this term's drill instructor is last term's dance-floor makeout.Solution: Ask yourself how worth it is that "W" on your transcript?
Problem: All my friends are living in Manhattan post-grad, and the only place I can afford is an hour outside the city.Reality: Sounds like you didn't do corporate recruiting.Solution: Try to be a hipster or something. Or restart the Occupy movement.
Problem: I wish that I could get drunk somewhere where the floor hasn't been peed on.Reality: Nightlife can get a little grim.Solution: PROBATIONS ALL AROUND!
Problem: All (read: both) of the frats I go to are on probation!Reality: I thought you wanted to get drunk somewhere else...Solution: I hear there are plenty of kids on Webster Avenue just waiting to meet fantastic folks like you!
Problem: You have a Mirror article to write, but your creativity isn't flowing.Reality: It was due hours ago.Solution: Open up a bottle of rose!
