Hello Dartmouth and happy Homecoming. I first want to wish all of the alumni safe travels as they return to the greatest place on earth. I hope the older alums can relive their glory days while singing the Alma Mater around the bonfire. I hope the younger alums manage to avoid H-Po and S&S this weekend. Many young alums mistake immunity from Parkhurst as a free pass to do whatever their drunken brains tell them to do. But honestly, anyone who has graduated from college should never be involved in a keg stand.
Call me sentimental, but I love Homecoming more than Samuel L. Jackson loves yelling. Some of my best Dartmouth memories have taken place during this weekend. During my freshman year, I played my first down of varsity football during the Homecoming game against Holy Cross. The following year, against Columbia, my parents attended a Dartmouth football game for the first time and witnessed my first collegiate win.
Now that I'm a senior, this weekend means even more. This is the last time that I will be able to wear the D on the gridiron. This is my last bonfire as a student and my last chance to yell at the "worst class ever." Although I know that I'll be back on campus countless times after I graduate, this weekend emphasizes the finite reality of my college career.
After November, I'll be done with football. Less than six months after that, I'll be in the real world. I'll have to buy my own toilet paper. To be honest, I wish I could stay here a couple more years, but I'm not on the "Van Wilder" seven-year plan so I am forced to move on and graduate. Before I'm dead and gone, I want to leave some advice to my young freshman proteges.
Dear members of the Class of 2015: Please participate in every Dartmouth tradition. Dress in green from head to toe on Friday and run your ass off when it's time to circle the bonfire. Although you don't have to do the full 115 laps, the seniors will have mad respect for you if you do. The upperclassmen will yell and harass you, but I assure you that you're not the "worse class ever." Although you all are definitely not as smart, interesting or good looking as the rest of us, I'm sure there have been worse classes in the College's history.
Go to every single sporting event this weekend. Nearly every fall sport is home this weekend (sorry crew and sailing), so go out and cheer as loud as you can for the Big Green. The games are staggered so you really don't have an excuse to miss anything. As an added bonus, both ice hockey teams are home this week, with the women playing Friday at 5 p.m. and the men playing Sunday at 4 p.m.
Although it might sound trivial, showing up to games makes a huge difference. Teams with energetic and hostile home environments intimidate any challengers who dare to venture onto their turf. Let's be real, how loud will you yell when you're old and married? College is the last place where it's socially acceptable to scream for two hours straight. Take advantage of every second.
Your seats should never be occupied during this weekend's contest standing is a must. You never know when your yelling could make the difference in a game. In football, crowd noise often causes the opposing team to commit penalties because they can't hear audibles made by the quarterback. A well-timed insult can distract a soccer goalie long enough for the striker to shoot one right below the crossbar. Sacrifice your voice for the Big Green.
You don't have to heckle the other team in order to throw off its concentration. Although I'm a huge fan of verbally accosting the opposing quarterback or goalie, I know that a simple "D-FENCE" chant can be just as effective. You can howl like a primal baboon for all I care. As long as you're loud, you're making a difference.
As I say hello to my last Homecoming, I'm also saying goodbye. I'm proud to wear the D on my chest and I know I'll remember these days forever. Good luck to everyone this weekend. I'll be watching and listening.
