One of the largest concerns of sophomore summer aside from making it to that 9L that you unwittingly signed up for is finding the perfect combination of ingredients to ensure that you revel in m@sters glory. So here is your perfect 11X m@asters recipeslow-cooked New England-style pong served with a hint of topspin and a side of manual dexterity.
Ingredients:1 mirror1 Five-Hour Energy10 clear plastic cups1 pong ball4 paddles1 table2 unsuspecting opponents1 double portion of an extra large ego (casually disaffected by trash talk, rich with insults)1 partner (must be almost as good as you are)1 teaspoons of dried social marginalization2 large cloves of throw saves, crushed1 pair of "pong shoes" (must have good traction for slick basement floor)1 pong playlist (laced with rap music with bass deep enough to swallow any lyric laid on top of it)1 elaborate celebration for any hit or sink
Directions:
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Stare in the mirror and convince yourself that pong is your thing and nobody does it better. Repeat until your ego is sufficiently overinflated.
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Marinate in 5-Hour Energies. Practice makes perfect, which means you're going to be playing a lot of pong.
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When you're sufficiently energized, you're ready for the basement. Search for a partner and two opponents to beat. Be prepared to run table. Set up the game using 10 plastic cups in a "full tree" formation. You'll also need four paddles and one pong ball. *NOTE: Be sure your partner is almost as good as you are. Remember, NO TEAM SAVES. Make that slacker carry his own weight.
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Make sure that before you begin, you put on your basement pong playlist at full volume, loud enough to drown out any chit-chat pong isn't for casual conversation. The only talking should be trash talking (for which your overinflated double portion of ego should come in handy). Acceptable playlist entries are anything falling within the genre of hip-hop, though later in the night, pop-country may become acceptable. Staples include Pac, Biggie and Wu-Tang Clan.
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Throughout the course of the game, your cups are going to be hit and the ball is going to bounce out of arms' reach. This is where you'll add the cloves of throw saves. Make sure you crush them. At these crucial junctures, traction is going to be key basement floors are slick with beer and regret, and you don't want fall face-first into frat soup. Pong shoes with the appropriate soles are essential. White Nikes are standard. Adidas are also acceptable.
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When you sink cups (which you will inevitably do, because you're that good), you'll need an extravagant celebration, because fist bumps are for passing greetings and sinking halves. This is a machination completely of your own making but dancing is best. Steer clear of '90s dances like the "Running Man." Honestly, nobody does that anymore.
Repeat steps on any and (if you're planning in a M@sters Championship) every night of the week. When complete, heat in the oven and serve to anyone who'll listen to your incessant bragging.
