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The Dartmouth
July 14, 2025 | Latest Issue
The Dartmouth

W.W.H.D. — What would Harry do?

It goes without saying that Harry Potter is facetimey. And he doesn't even have to spend hours on the Hogwarts equivalent of the Collis porch to get it, because he's the Boy Who Lived. Between running shit on the Quiddich field and casually getting random brooms delivered to him in the Great Hall, Harry Potter can't avoid facetime. Which is fantastic for him, because he secretly loves it.

Harry Potter would be sure to make time for facetime, even though he should probably be studying for his OWLs or trying to defeat the Dark Lord instead. If Harry went to Dartmouth, I bet his facetime spot of choice would be the Green, where he could practice Quiddich and hang out with Ron and Hermione after she transfers from Brown.

There's no doubt that Harry Potter would be affiliated because of this love of facetime and his affinity for beer (butter optional). Harry's genuine kindness makes me think he'd be a Sig Ep or Alpha Chi, but there's no right answer. Regardless of Harry's Greek affiliation, he'd definitely get tapped by the Hungarian Horntail sect of Dragon (naturally), but something tells me he would opt to form his own secret society called Dumbledore's Army instead.

Obviously Harry Potter would be the hero who defeats the Sun God once and for all, because the Sun God is the Voldemort of Dartmouth. Much as Voldemort wreaked havoc across the wizarding world after years in seclusion, the Sun God is finally back with a vengeance after a quiet Winter term. I foresee a similarly epic showdown on the Green on a cool, foggy night. The Sun God's light saber would be no match for Harry's wand, with which he would use a carefully aimed Stunning spell to silence Dartmouth's Dark Lord forever.

Harry could also use his repertoire of spells and various magical objects to make his Dartmouth experience far superior to those of us Muggles. We mere mortals have to face the embarrassment of walking home in last night's clothes from a dorm that literally could not be further from your own. But Harry never feels embarrassed as he sneaks out of Ginny's room he has his trusty Invisibility Cloak, left to him by his father for such noble tasks, which surely include completing the Dartmouth Seven.

Hermione used her Time Turner to attend multiple classes at once but let's not kid ourselves and pretend Harry is that studious. Harry would obviously use the Time Turner to beat the sandwich line before it reaches the other side of FoCo, or to get on table before line reaches five.

But Harry's most useful tool would definitely be the Imperius Curse, enabling him to make anyone do anything he wants. Even though it's an Unforgiveable Curse, I seriously doubt the Ministry of Magic would come all the way to Hanover to throw Harry in Azkaban. Harry could get absolutely anything he wanted at Dartmouth with this spell, and I mean anything. From an effortless citation in orgo to an easy M@sters victory, Harry would easily be a harder guy at Dartmouth than he ever was at Hogwarts.


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