Every H-Po cruiser in town would be labelled in red (high risk), with S&S, students and townies following in yellow, green and black respectively. President Kim would be gold, and all of the trustees would have little dollar signs floating above their heads. All students would be identified with their class year, so 'schmobs could be avoided altogether.
Looking for a memorable end to your Friday night shenanigans? A Marauder's Map would not only describe how to access the secret steam tunnels beneath the Green, but it would also let you know the whereabouts of S&S so you'd know when to start running.
The entire social scene would be quantified before your eyes so that you'd never be faced with the awkward empty frat basement. Little numbers would designate all pong lines along frat row (think LaundryView for basements). Wondering if that dance party is raging as hard as advertised? Check the map. With crowds at the Class of '53 Commons peaking after 12s, you could mentally prepare yourself for the absurd Chicken Monday line.
Say goodbye to cyber-stalking someone using the cumbersome combination of DND lookup, Facebook and Dartmouthsports.com. A Marauder's Map could give you all you need in one document. Let's say you meet a cute girl in your econ class and you want to get to know her.
You could pull out the map and see her name and year straight away. You would know when she was at the gym, and whether there is a treadmill open next to her. Stalking made easy.
Finding people (or avoiding people) would be a breeze. If your prof hasn't been responding to your blitzes, you could catch her leaving her office and force her to answer your question as she walks to her car. If you want to talk to the Sun God about love, you wouldn't have to walk alone across the Green in the middle of the night to find him.
You might also notice some pretty weird things going on around campus. Why is Collis Ray wandering around the graveyard at 2 a.m.? Why are there more townies at Tri-Kap's Dimensions party than prospies? Who is Bears Sharkling and how did he get on the roof of President Kim's house?
The Marauder's Map could be used for good as well as mischief. You would know that the guy your '14 friend wants to go home with is actually a sketchy '05 alum. And you might not be as panicked when your girlfriend disappears from a frat while you're left holding her phone.
While such a map would be an incredibly powerful magical tool, its existence might not be so impossible. Rumor has it that Daniel Webster created a Marauder's Map of his own, and a fragment still resides in the deepest corner of Rauner. One can dream, right?
