The Light at the End of the Tunnel

by Tom Mandel | 5/19/11 10:00pm

Since I spent my last two big weekend columns talking about the Dartmouth Seven and the importance of being legendary (R.I.P. Rec League Legends), I'm kind of at a loss for what to say about Green Key. I guess there are only so many times you can talk about the Dartmouth Seven before people start to catch on. So I'll just spend this column writing down thoughts that fill my head.

  • The security at Club Elektra is better than the security was at Osama's compound.
  • I wonder which room at Dartmouth College has seen the most action. Is it in a frat or a freshman dorm? Hmm.
  • Chi Gam isn't that creepy anymore.
  • Having nothing to do when the weather's nice is called "Sophomore Summer." Having nothing to do when the weather sucks is called "depression." Rain, rain, go away.
  • Bathrobes are sweet.
  • People who run through campus have always weirded me out.
  • Jim Kim should spray his lawn with something that would stick to the backs, knees and discarded clothing of trespassers. Paint? Eau d'skunk? Whatever.
  • Jean jackets are due for a comeback.
  • Umm... F*ck Psi U!
  • Seeing old-man penis in the sauna at the gym really never loses its appeal.
  • It's amazing how bad most scented candles smell.
  • It's also amazing how there's a one-to-one correlation between people who take their shoes off in the library and people who have smelly feet.
  • Speaking of the library, the "BABY HANGING STATION" sign on FFB is still the funniest thing at Dartmouth.
  • I'm surprised that male insecurity hasn't led to a phasing-out of the name "microbrewery."
  • Wiffle ball is a more American version of baseball. Softball is less American. Underhand? Psh, please.
  • Who came up with the idea for the Wheelock Books treehouse?
  • Peeing on the Sphinx is just like peeing anywhere else, except more satisfying.
  • I'm sick of hearing people tell me that gelato and ice cream are the same thing.
  • It's always really awkward when you walk into the gym and the person behind the desk is a student you don't know, but you know you know, and you know you've seen around. Do you act like a stranger and flash the card? Give an unassuming smile? Walk right past? Jeez, that sucks.
  • "Time Machine" is a bold name for the Mac data retrieval software.
  • I feel like a perv whenever I accidentally spell it "Occum."
  • Tuna fish is cat food for people.
  • They should sell cigarettes in Topside. And rent out porn at Jones.
  • "Fire escape" is two really exciting words that end up meaning a really ugly staircase.

THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL is that if you've made it this far into reading this, you need to hang out more.