There has been plenty of controversy and confusion surrounding the remodeling of the Class of 1953 Commons, and although the news section has comprehensively covered these changes, here at The Mirror we thought it was necessary to do some behind-the-scenes investigation into the changes that will be made to the Dartmouth dining experience this term. These are may it be noted changes that the administration does not necessarily want to divulge at this point. So while you may have thought that there was nothing fishy hidden behind that grossly unrealistic mural depicting a Hanover winter that partitioned the FoCo seating area (talk about 11Weird), we at The Mirror confidently beg to differ.
Change #1: No more Pavilion cookies.
In response to growing concerns of adolescent obesity, Pavilion cookies will be replaced by the whole wheat, gluten-free, vegan cookies by the end of April. You may recall Pavilion cookies' ugly cousins, which DDS often enjoyed pandering at the Home Plate checkout line. Key ingredients may or may not include dirt (organic dirt, of course).
Change #2: No more Late Night Collis.
Late Night Collis will be replaced with a late night Jujitsu class that will take place in the main eating area in Collis, taught by the Sunja's Sushi chefs. DA$H or cash will be accepted.
Change #3: Collis Ray has resigned.
Collis Ray recently tendered his resignation from Dartmouth Dining Services, as he will be moving to Oslo to pursue his dream of becoming a Norwegian ice dancer. (Interestingly enough, he does not seem to be Norwegian, which complicates said dream a teensy bit.) He also announced that he plans to adopt a strict diet of Norwegian salmon in order to cleanse his body of "all that meat, Bubba" that he adds to his daily Collis stir-fry.
Change #4: The Hop is under investigation.
Courtyard Cafe will be closed temporarily while Hanover Police investigates allegations that the dining hall's popular General Tso's chicken entree is composed of pulverized Keystone cases. Officials at the Hop declined to comment but may have muttered something along the lines of "damn budget cuts."
Change #5: The Peeper Plan.
In order to accommodate the growing number of self-proclaimed "leaf peepers" who descend upon the campus in large numbers in the fall, DDS has added another dining plan the Peeper Plan exclusively for these people. It seems to be identical to the regular Green plan, except that dining dollars not used at the end of the term will go toward a fund intended to help peepers do something better with their retirement than looking at leaves in rural New Hampshire.
Change #6: The Grill Guy Monologues.
The Food Court grill's employees will be going on temporary leave in order to work on an original play entitled, "The Grill Guy Monologues," which exposes the plight of the FoCo grill employee from the hours of midnight to 2 a.m. Monologues include "If My Spatula Could Talk," "Reclaiming the Spicy Russian" and the soon-to-be cult classic, "You Didn't Order Those Mozz Sticks, So Stop Eating Them." Tickets go on sale April 1. Blitz "Joe-Yo" for details.
