I once thought I had mono. For a week, I did absolutely nothing and blamed my uselessness on my 20-hour naps. Turns out it was just a cold. My bad.
The D-Plan is the mono of Dartmouth. We blame all our Dartmouth-related problems on the D-Plan, because like mono, "it totally sucks." Because the term is only 10 weeks long, you can't get a girlfriend, your high school friends hate you because they think you're avoiding them over break and you can't help but cry every time you're assigned three essays and a midterm only three weeks into the term. It's just so easy to hate on the D-Plan. So easy, in fact, that if I went into iTunes and searched for songs with "Blame" in the title and slightly edited the chorus, the song would be relevant to Dartmouth.
Case in point: Blame it on the Boogie Jackson 5: Don't blame it on sunshine/Don't blame it on moonlight/Don't blame it on good times/Blame it on the D-Plan. Translation: It's the D-Plan's fault that I go out every Monday, Wednesday, Friday and sometimes Thursday to celebrate the end of 10As. If our term were just a bit longer, I wouldn't have to be such a hard dude and balance "good times" with this ridiculous amount of work.
Another example: Blame it (On the Alcohol) Jamie Foxx ft. T-Pain: Blame it on the D-Plan/Got you feeling loose/Blame it on D-Plan/Got you in the zone/ A-a-a-a-alcohol baby. Translation: So much to do, so little time. I'm so angsty and stressed right now and the D-Plan just makes me want to let loose and boot all over myself. I think I'm just going to crack open a Keystone Light in the middle of drill yeah, I'm screwed for my Russian 13 essay.
The ridiculousness of these lyrics are just as absurd as our hatred of the D-Plan. I spent some time eavesdropping at facetime hot-spots including the Green, Baker foyer and the FoCo balcony, and soon came to realize that every misfortune that befalls the typical Dartmouth student is inevitably blamed on the D-Plan:
"I cannot find love in 10 weeks."
Truth: Not saying I've seen any of these movies, but I am pretty sure that the budding romances in Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and The Notebook happened in well under 10 weeks. If Bella was able to find love with a vampire-human-werewolf hybrid in 10 weeks, I'm pretty sure you can (gasp) have a relationship with someone, and go on at least one Canoe Club date or at least play a game of pong and change your Facebook relationship status.
"All my high school friends hate me!"
Truth: Is there really anything to talk about with them anymore? Do they really care that you carried a lunch box around for 10 weeks, or that you have a semi-mustache? Who needs them anyway.
"I mixed 5 Hour Energy and Red Bull last night because all my papers are due on the same day."
Truth: First, I'm surprised you didn't have a heart attack. Secondly, perhaps you shouldn't have spent the weekend playing double stem sequoia or trying to sneak into the steam tunnels. Have you considered using an iCal? These days, the more things you have scheduled in your iCal the cooler you are. Clearly, a lack of time is money.
"I am so sleepy."
Truth: As rapper Nas once said, "Sleep is the cousin of death.:" So if we're looking at this as a glass half-full, it's a good thing that you can barely keep your eyes open.
"My back hurts from moving from North Fay to South Fay."
Truth: Work out more. Or get a massage at Collis. (This just in: The Collis day manager is obligated to uncomfortably massage your back if asked). You could also take the easy way out and just bequest your belongings to the next lucky occupant. Or perhaps make a time capsule and bury all your stuff so you can dig it up in 50 years.
The reality is we have no one to blame but ourselves. These problems are universal to all college students and they aren't the result of a funky calendar system. If we can't bring ourselves to stop playing the blame game, well, there's always mono. It's the worst.
