Every suggestion so far for a new Dartmouth mascot is stupid. You know why? Because none of these suggestions would please everyone.
Let's put the Dartmouth mascot debate to an end. No, we shouldn't resurrect the Indian. That'd give the PC Police more fuel for their fire, which would just be miserable all around. It'd also make a lot of shitty people really happy, which nobody wants to see happen either. And we're definitely not keeping the Big Green. Can you say lame-azoid? Probably only after reading it a couple times. No, it's not a shape.
There was the Dartmoose/Lumberjack debate a few years ago. Yeah, I guess that made sense. There are moose in New Hampshire, and there are lumberjacks, too. But there are no bulldogs in New Haven. Or Lions in New York. It just goes to show that your mascot doesn't need to be accurate. If we wanted an accurate mascot, we'd all get behind the underground movement for the Dartmouth Nerds-in-Denial.
Now that we have the opportunity to come up with a new mascot, it shouldn't be something dogshit like Quakers or bulldogs. Really? Your mascot is a religion that espouses peace? I mean, I get it, but how do you get fired up and competitive for a pacifist mascot?
Let's get a mascot that no other school has. Let's get one that has absolutely nothing to do with the ideology of Dartmouth, but would be really cool nonetheless:
Narwhals. The Dartmouth Narwhals.
Consider this column the official launch for the Dartmouth Narwhal movement.
If you don't know what a narwhal is, I suggest you do the following: First, kick your own ass. After you've done that, go to Wikipedia and look up what narwhals are.
If your only exposure to narwhals has been the movie "Elf," then I say this to you: They are, in fact, real. They can't speak English, but nobody's perfect.
For those of you who have a deficiency of awesomeness in your life, narwhals are medium-sized toothed whales. The thing that distinguishes them from the other whale in their family (belugas lame) is the seven-to-10-foot-long tusk protruding from their snout.
Seven to 10 feet. That's a tusk bigger than you. It resembles a unicorn horn.
Narwhals are so badass they don't even use their tusks for hunting. Sometimes. Not often. They can hunt without them. Sweet.
This is a mascot that we could unite behind, and that's the most important thing in a mascot. It's impossible to get people cheering at a sports game if half the crowd disapproves of the mascot for whatever reason.
I dare you to think of one reason we shouldn't have the narwhal as our mascot. It's too cool? Yeah, that's what I thought.
THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL is that some ideas are too awesome for people to deal with when they first hear them. It's kind of like looking at the sun. So I'll understand if this isn't the mascot tomorrow. But let it marinate.
