Fact: There are 4,248* undergraduates at Dartmouth.
Follow-up fact: At least 4,000 undergraduates at Dartmouth are horrifically awkward individuals.
Okay, little ones, don't panic. I'm not saying you're all consistently awkward all the time (that's only true of one in four of you). You all have moments of greatness, I promise. But on average, Dartmouth students spend two to three hours a day making other people feel significantly uncomfortable. I, of course, am no exception. (Although I probably seem like I am because I have so many fans. Celebrities: They're just like us!) I mumble and fumble just like all you weirdos.
For some reason, I have the greatest chance of reaching awkward level Red (scale based on color of face) at Novack. In fact, after careful statistical analysis, I've determined that 76.8 percent of all failures in communication among Dartmouth students happen in or around Novack. To understand this phenomenon, let's take a look at a typical Sunday night and the sequence of events that puts you at risk of losing all remnants of self-esteem:
1) As you descend the stairs, a passing acquaintance asks, "Hi, how are you?" (Chance of Awkward [CoA]: 98 percent)
The chances of getting through this seemingly innocuous moment unscathed are actually quite low. First of all, there is a 78 percent chance that this person actually said "Hihowareyou?" and has absolutely no interest in your psychological state. However, 38 percent of you will misread the situation and respond. Of that 38 percent, 86 percent will make the catastrophic error of responding, "Not much." You now seem like you should be institutionalized. But don't worry: there's a 95 percent chance this person will never interact with you again.
2) While waiting in line, you find yourself standing behind someone you know. (CoA: 75 percent)
At this point, you've noticed him but he hasn't seen you (#lineproblems). Though 99 percent of you have no interest in talking to this person, there's still a 36 percent chance he'll turn around and see that you've been knowingly ignoring his presence this whole time. While 25 percent of you are all about burning bridges (hi, seniors), 75 percent of you will attempt to maintain the relationship by trying to get his attention by coughing loudly. If all goes well and you escape the 9 percent risk of spitting on the back of his neck, you now have a 95 percent chance of having the most boring conversation imaginable. Congratulations.
3) When you reach the counter, you're confronted by a Novack employee who you're actually friends with. (CoA: 96 percent)
This is probably the trickiest social situation you will encounter in your lifetime. About 80 percent of you will begin with casual conversation. Then the clock starts ticking while there's slight variation based on quality of friendship and length of line, you have approximately 28 seconds of chatting before you've passed the point of no return and can no longer order your snack. About 85 percent of you will order after 10 seconds, cutting off conversation too soon, prompting your "friend" to spit on your muffin. However, 13 percent of you will talk for as long as it takes to catch the eye of another employee and order from them instead. Your friend now thinks you have no faith in their ability to serve, and everyone behind you in line is shaking from hunger. This is a lose-lose situation. The 2 percent of you who realize this will inevitably start crying mid-conversation and run away from both friendship and nutrition. Worst day ever.
4) As you pour Splenda into your tea (hard guy), you strike up a conversation with a friend. (CoA: 87 percent)
First of all, I'm 100 percent certain that you have too many friends. You need to stop trying to talk to all of them this seems to be the source of your problems. However, in stirring scenarios, you stand a 76 percent chance of succeeding at small talk (depending on the grace with which you shuffle from stirrers to lids and back). In most cases, the problems arise once you've completed your task. As you wrap up the convo with some clever joke (85 percent chance it was actually stupid) and very graciously offer your friend luck on her work, there is a 90 percent chance disaster will strike: you both find yourselves walking in the same direction. While this should shock 0 percent of you because there's only one set of stairs, 10 percent of you will make it worse by saying, "Well, this is awkward." (Honesty is not a social boon.) A clever 76 percent of you will notice the matching trajectory before your friend does, and spontaneously decide to stop and check Blitz. (Maybe there's an emergency. Maybe they blitzed out about a spill on the stairs. Maybe there's an anthrax breakout on FFB. MAYBE I'M AWKWARD.) The remaining 14 percent of you will make the clearly least bizarre play of adopting some sort of limp that forces you to walk painfully slowly. You look great.
5) You make it back to your seat and breathe a sigh of relief. It's over.
Except you just breathed a sigh of relief. Now 100 percent of those around you think you're creepy. Well done, champ.
