It's that time of year again. No, I'm not talking about your annual phone call to Mom save it for Mother's Day. The arrival of frigid, unbearable January marks a predetermined time for new beginnings. Time to start off on a new foot and resolve to be a better person because of the arbitrary importance we assign to planetary movements. Time to turn over a new leaf and become the winner Collis Ray would want you to be. You're really going to do it this time. Who cares if you have the willpower of Lindsay Lohan? This term is different. Right?
Who am I kidding? Dartmouth students have egregious commitment issues too often the reality falls far short of the resolution, but at least we'll get a good laugh out of our failures.
Resolution: Go out less and cut back on drinking.Reality: You start out with the intention of drinking less this term but let's be honest. It's the beginning of the term, you don't have much work yet and you're freezing your nipples off every time you walk to class. On top of that, your radiator is a piece of shit that wakes you up in the middle of the night at random intervals with clanging that makes you swear there are little men with hammers living inside your walls. You can't sleep, your body is numb and all your friends are playing pong anyway, so you figure one or two beers couldn't hurt and you didn't even go to Reds, so you definitely deserve it.
Next thing you know, you're waking up on a couch in an off-campus house spooning with the TriKap dog you bribed into spending the night with Novack vending machine sandwiches, you've slept through your 2A and it's already dark outside, you're inexplicably wearing the Sun God's mask, you have 18 missed calls from EBAs and your outbox is full of marriage proposals and "ass?" texts to various exes (including your fifth grade significant other). Score.
Resolution: Go to every class and get all As.Reality: You watch the lectures online whenever possible in fact, you sign up for classes solely based on the availability of online lectures. You justify all your missed classes by telling yourself that your parents owe you that wasted money because of that one time they lied to you about your dead dog. You look at your report cards from high school whenever you need a little pick-me-up. Congratulate yourself on showing up to class drunk only once.
Resolution: Lose five pounds.Reality: Gain ten pounds.
Resolution: Start trying to look nice on a daily basis.Reality: It's winter. In Hanover. You're stupid for making this resolution in the first place. At least you're wearing clean underwear? Maybe?
Resolution: Okay seriously, you're gonna get healthy dammit! Start eating right and exercising! Get more sleep! Quit smoking!Reality: EBAs and sex. You stay up until 4 a.m. watching Hulu and convince yourself that never seeing sunlight is the same thing as sleeping. You develop pneumonia and inadvertently succeed at ending your pack-a-day habit.
Resolution: Try to go to more cultural events at the Hop.Reality: You rent a movie from Video Stop. Every time you think about returning it, you remember how hellishly cold it is outside. You smoke weed instead and end up owing Video Stop 80 bucks.
Resolution: Get on track to achieve your dreams and touch the lives of thousands of people.Reality: You blitz out to all of campus about your lost North Face.
Resolution: Find that special someone.Reality: You expend maximum effort in one short burst of energy by searching for a formal date through extensive Facebook stalking based off of recommendations from casual acquaintances. Then you hit on someone else's date at formal and get sent home early for booting in a potted plant. You flitz with a good-looking person from your Econ class once or twice, but only make brief small talk in person. Discouraged, you try to set up hookups through Bored at Baker, but chicken out at the last minute. You secretly sign up for eHarmony.
