Dartmouth's My Favorite

Hey, so, um, it's Winter. I mean SNOWMYGOD 11W, GUYS!! No, that feels wrong. I'm just not sure I'm quite ready for exclamation points. SAD face. (Preshmen, this is very different from "sad face." The Stall Street Journal will explain it all soon.) Temperatures in the single digits and the lack of circulation in my extremities are robbing me of that sunshine-and-sparkles feeling that usually comes at the beginning of a new term. But that's no reason not to have goals or dare I say resolutions?

What a swell idea. However, there is a caveat, because this is a fancy school for fancy words. These are not New Year's resolutions. You see, I'm just not sure I can really handle a long-term commitment to 2011, as that would entail accepting the End of Days in June and like, I would prefer to stay permanently in denial. So, to acquiesce with my therapist's wishes, we're going to take this year in baby steps. Rather than resolutions for a new year, I will make only vague promises regarding the new term. And because Winter term is arguably the worst term of all (the need for liquid coats leaves a lot of glasses half empty), I present to you (Mom, Dad) my prescribed goals for the coming term, entitled, "Teach Ya How to Snuggie: 11 Resolutions for 11W(hyIsEveryoneUglyNow)":

1. Forego Social Norms.Sure, that ski mask you're wearing may cause problems when you go to withdraw cash at Bank of America, and that fur hat makes you look like a Russian call girl. Whatever, your warmth is more important than close-minded prejudices against robbers and prostitutes. Let the bigots freeze.

2. Take Advantage of the Desolation.Plenty of tables means no need to be polite you go ahead and start that series. In fact, start playing on the first night back and don't ever stop. Literally. Never. #seniorplay(2a. Use hashtags. You're suddenly funny.)

3. Learn to De-Friend.So all your friends are on off-terms in 70 degree climates, studying what could only be Sadistic Photography 101 because their Facebook albums make you wanna slit your wrists on the reg. You need to look away. Anyone not on campus right now is the enemy. Oh, but look you're tagged as a lion on their safari! Not amused. They're dead to you now.

4. Get a Netflix Account.Because, honestly, you're not going anywhere. **Bonus of Champions: Pay for a Megavideo Premium subscription.

5. Gain Weight.Yeah, I said it. Everyone else's New Year's resolutions can suck it. Let's face it. They're not going to lose five pounds, and if they do, they're amateurs. If beer and Collis Late Night are what will bring you happiness this term, then seize your dreams and go for it. Besides, you know what's really sexy Winter term? INSULATION. It's about survival you've gotta outwit, outlast and outfug Mother Nature. So give up that Chanukah Gelt guilt from vacation and stop moping about that eggnog belly. Embrace the flab! (Because chances are no one else will.)

6. Go to the Polar Bear Swim.Getting yourself there is only half the battle, but I'm okay with settling.

7. New Wardrobe, New You!If you tell me you can't go outside because your bed is so warm and cozy, I will smack you. Sorry, but this is no longer a valid excuse because this season, Snuggies are the new black North Face. There's one for every occasion! Class? Argyle Snuggie. Pong date? Snuggie-for-Two. Formal? Bedazzled Snuggie. Snow storm? Snuggie Outdoor. Squash match? Varsity Snuggie. Some sort of hippie protest? "Peace and Love" Snuggie. Booty Call? Well, I don't think you have to worry about that anymore. (Literally, I only made two of these up.)

8. Don't Ski.No one needs to know it's because you're terrified. You're just subversive.

9. Learn to Cope.At this point you're fat, pale and wearing a Snuggie. You have enough problems this is not the time to be stressed about schoolwork. The answer to midterms: Bob Ross. You're just a YouTube click away from clouds, mountains and the most soothing JewFro to grace public television. Seriously, just relax and go back to the big paintbrush.

10. Never Say Never.In theaters February 11: Justin Bieber at the end of the cold, dark tunnel that is Winter term. Three dimensions are simply not enough.

Now go off and conquer this term. I truly believe in each and every one of you. Except you, betch with the tan fresh from spending winter break in Mexico. You're making everyone angry. Cover yourself in a Camouflage Snuggie until your tan fades and you're once again a mere mortal like the rest of us. Winter's gonna rock.