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The Dartmouth
May 21, 2024 | Latest Issue
The Dartmouth

The Light at the end of the Tunnel

There are some skills that Dartmouth students have down pat and then there are some skills that we just don't have. The ability to find the right spot in the back of our throats? Check. The ability to interact honestly and respectfully with the opposite sex? (Sorry for the heteronormativity sue me.) That's one that we don't really have in the bag. We're also bad at other stuff, too. So Grandpa Tom is going to share some of his wisdom.

My first piece of wisdom has to do with twin-extra-long beds of the variety that the College stocks.

These beds were designed for one person to sleep in. One person. No exceptions. Don't even think about it. It's never worth it. Ever. Campus would be a much better place if everybody came to this realization.

Waking up next to a person you like is an awesome feeling. Waking up with somebody/anybody on top of you is not an awesome feeling. You toss and turn for an entire night, accumulating at most two total hours of sleep. You wake up hating the other person. And they hate you, too. One of you snores. The other one shifts in their sleep. Your breathing is never in sync. If you have to scratch an itch, you're afraid you'll wake the other person up. Single beds are the undoing of many a happy couple. Just walk back to your room, or sack up and rent a double bed. Or hook up with somebody with a big bed. This is the main appeal of senior girls. Take that, Dartmouth X.

As such, if you're in their single bed, make up an excuse and leave. Or just say you don't mess around with single beds.

If they're in your single bed, start yawning and tell them you're about to go to bed and offer to walk them home. Come on, dude, be a gentleman.

My second piece of advice relates to the topic of breaking up with somebody you're not dating.

You might be asking, "But Tom? Why would you break up with somebody you're not even dating?"

If you're thinking this, then you need my help.

There's no easy way to stop hooking up with somebody. Because of the very casual nature of hooking up, you don't want to be overdramatic in how you end it. Some people just don't end it at all. They just stop talking to the person, all of a sudden. That's dumb.

You don't need to do it in person. Craft a blitz. Start of by saying that you know that you were never dating, but you want to officially end things. The other person will be taken aback by this, but will ultimately appreciate your honesty. Then you're free to hook up with others, guilt-free. Try it out.

I was going to write "How to maintain an image of apathy" and "How to get away with not showering" separately, but they're interrelated.

If you're looking to maintain an image of apathy, since apathy is cool on a social level, the first step is not caring about hygiene. So stop showering compulsively. Now, how do you get away with not showering?

If you're a dude, start rocking backwards frat-brim hats. Keeps your bedhead down. If you're a girl, just go ahead and rock a frat-brim also. Why not.

Don't talk about your bathing schedule. Ever. Don't mention how little you shower. On the flipside, if you do end up showering, don't talk about that, either. It clues people in to the fact that that's a rarity for you.

Another important point in maintaining an image of apathy: sleeves are your enemy.

THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL is that this is America, and you can ignore all of my advice. You'll be a n00b, but that's your right as an American. You can sleep with other people in single beds, stop hooking up with people awkwardly, shower every day and wear sleeves. I feel like Scarface in the movie Half Baked when he tells off everyone in the fast food restaurant before quitting, and you, person who doesn't take advice, are not the old lady who's cool. You probably don't even get that joke.