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The Dartmouth
May 28, 2024 | Latest Issue
The Dartmouth

How to Ruin Your Social Life at Dartmouth

Difficulty: Challenging

I'll admit it. It's fun hearing stories about people embarrassing themselves or saying stupid things. And you should too. It's a big part of Overheards. We just gobble it up. And lucky for us, the destruction of a social life comes in many different scrumptious tastes and flavors to try.

The first thing you should readily do to damage your social life is to NOT lock the door whenever you shower or poop. Just don't lock it. This is seconded only by stinking up your floor bathrooms. The former works well for me; I just don't eat enough Boloco to try the latter. Once, just as I was stripping down in the McLaughlin shower, all of a sudden the janitor walked in on me. It was a special bonding moment, especially when we made eye contact. We even established a rapport and cussed at the same time.

Now the flip side: the same day, I accidentally walked in on a floormate pleasantly passing a bowel movement. Some things I realized: 1) It was a profile picture moment, 2) Some things you cannot unsee, 3) If you take the following advice, your eyes, too, can retract into your eye sockets and commit suicide. First and foremost, be on the lookout for anyone in a quarter-mile radius entering a bathroom. Moreover, seeing reading material in hand should set off a siren in your head. Sprint over and get in before they lock the door. Even if you don't make it in time, try the door anyway; shake the handle a few times to test the structural integrity of the locking mechanism. Sometimes you can get lucky, you know. Bonus points if you walk in on the same person more than once. Remember, always be persistent, like herpes.

If bothering your floormates isn't enough for you and you'd also like to include your roommate in the destruction of your social life, no fear. When your roomie happens to have the door to your dorm locked and you don't have the key, call him or her urgently on the phone. Stress that you need medicine because it's a matter of life and death. Once you get in, look around for your medicine. Then calmly walk out with a pack of condoms and three handles of vodka. Tried and true by my very own floormate.

This last tip is subtler but every bit as important. Once you have crushed your cluster reputation, you'll want to move on and destroy your campus-wide social life. To do so, liberalize your texting styles. Greet friends not with "what's up?" but with "what is up with you?" Support Safety and Security and add be safe ;)' at the end of every text. Just don't forget the wink. Social suicide guaranteed.