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The Dartmouth
May 27, 2024 | Latest Issue
The Dartmouth

How to Eat Healthily at Dartmouth

First of all, let's get one thing straight: eating healthy does not mean that you are healthy. You go to Dartmouth, therefore you are not healthy. But wait, doesn't Dartmouth, due to its small size, have a disproportionate number of varsity athletes? Surely they must be healthy. Well, I guess it's debatable whether or not the effects of chain-smoking cigarettes and shotgunning beers in a vomit-and-piss infused basement offsets the cardiovascular benefits of playing lacrosse, but I think you see my point.

But it does make sense to be concerned about healthy eating at Dartmouth: If you're counting calories and not willing to give up those delightfully high BACs, you have to cut corners somewhere. Here are some suggestions.

1.Don't go to Collis after dark.

This is seriously one of the most confusing and paradoxical DDS issues I've experienced. Collis, renowned by many for being home to Hanover's greatest salad bar (until, at least, a Pizza Hut opens up in town), is often considered the "healthy" dining location, with its vast array of international soups (who knew they ate so much soup in North Africa?), fruity smoothies and countless varieties of whole grain bread for sandwiches.

But, as soon as Late Night rolls out, the salad bar has been replaced by deep-fried nasties, the soups have been replaced by pastas with a sauce that is surely 90 percent heavy cream and the whole grain bread is no where to be found. The only potentially healthy option is the sushi, but, as the wise man on the hill was wont to say, mercury kills.

2.Get your apples at the Hop

I know, it seems strange that the best apples would be at the same location that considers a bacon-sausage-ham-egg-cheese-hash-brown sandwich a viable food option, but it's true. Not to be Collis-hating left and right, but even during healthy Collis hours, I have found it nearly impossible to purchase an apple that doesn't make mush in my mouth. If you're craving that mouthful of crisp apple, the Hop's the spot.

Also, in case you haven't noticed, the Hop has (finally) added a salad bar so healthfully elite that it even offers spinach. (But WHERE is the arugula???) After years of picking hard boiled eggs out of the pre-made salads at the Hop, I finally have the power to keep my salads offense-free. You go, DDS.

3.Play pong with Hendrick's gin and sugar-free Powerade.

As if you haven't already.

4.If you see steamed broccoli (or any other form of the cooked kale) GRAB IT IMMEDIATELY.

Broccoli is very healthy. Someone once told me that if I eat enough of it I will never need a liver transplant. I'm not sure if that's actually true, but it's green, a vegetable and can be rather tasty when cooked well. But, for some reason, on a day-to-day basis DDS offers nothing but raw broccoli. Raw broccoli is the reason why broccoli always got beat up in elementary school it's ugly, gross, disgusting, and most importantly, inedible. Whenever you are privileged enough to see broccoli in one of its enlightened forms, snatch it.

It's not easy to eat healthy at Dartmouth, but it's nearly impossible to be healthy at Dartmouth. Someday we'll be real people and eat real food, but for right now, I guess we're stuck with raw broccoli. Also, don't buy food from the Co-op. That's almost as bad as hiring a maid to clean your room.