How to Not Date at Dartmouth
Notice this is not entitled: "How NOT to Date at Dartmouth," as that would imply that I actually date at Dartmouth and have all this sage advice to offer. Which I don't. So, I'm sorry, ladies, but I can't give you the lowdown on snagging that cutie in your 10A. Tried that. Didn't work out that well.
So what I'm going to do is more real. I'm going to try and dissect why so many of us at Dartmouth don't date.
1.We can't even define what "hook-up" means. How can we expect to define what "dating" means, let alone a "relationship"?
How many of us have had the following conversation at some point in our Dartmouth career. (And okay, guys, maybe your conversation was a lot less giggly and OMG, but you still totally had it).
Girl 1: OMG. Guess what I did last night?Girl 2: Oh, girlfriend did you hook up with someone?Girl 1: Oh, I did, girlfriend.Girl 2: OMG! Me, TOO!Giggling commences.
But what the HELL does any of it mean? What were Girls 1 and 2 really up to last night? Making out in the moonlight? Or were they getting down and dirty?
Blame it on the boogie, sure. But I need to know the extent to which you "hooked up." Cause I mean, I might be interested in him, but I don't want to be dinged from your sorority.
And the fact is, we'll never know with an ambiguous term like "hook-up." Which is why I am an advocate for the usage of more explicit terminology in our campus vernacular like "banging," "doing the nasty" or even "sex."
You'd be surprised by how explicit even the word "sex" can be. Just look at all the brouhaha caused over the Orchid Project. You'd think people had never seen a vagina before.
2.We are all too freakin' busy. We can't even take care of ourselves, let alone someone else.
Or at least that's what 90 percent of the bathroom stalls here on campus try to convince me with all their startling statistics and pleas, begging me to seek counseling and to not regurgitate my lunch.
As Dartmouth students we are pretty busy, I know. My personal fav is when I ask a friend to get lunch or dinner and they tell me their calendar is booked until the following week.
I'm sorry, but are you serious? Who do you think you are? JYK? I hope someone cancels on you and that your midterms own your soul.
If Dartmouth is all about the people, make time for them. Nobody likes being penciled in or squeezed into your i-Cal.
- Wanna play pong?
It's been said before, but I'll say it again: PONG IS NOT A DATE.
Yes, you can have a "pong date" with someone, as in you are going to meet someone you already know to play a game. But you cannot have a romantically-invested "first date" that is pong. Why?
Because that person sucks. And newsflash: They don't really want to get to know you.
You aren't going to get to know someone in a frat basement. So why don't you do something fun? And it doesn't have to be out of town (sigh, wishful thinking). I know you're broke. It's okay, I'm broke, too. But we'll figure something out.
Bottom line: Let's be real people who have real adventures.
4.The D-Plan cock-blocks like nobody's business.
It's one of Dartmouth's biggest selling points, but it's also one of Dartmouth's biggest cock-blockers.
"I'll be learning French in Toulouse in the Winter and then I'm off saving the world in Peru next Spring, so I guess that means, goodbye to you?"
"Well at least for now, Gertrude. I'm off in the Summer doing microbiology research in a first-class lab in Germany and then off in the Fall on the ENVS FSP."
"Oh, a whole year, Peter! Who knew? Let us solemnly swear to rendezvous one year later at the Lone Pine and renew our vows of undying love for each other over milkshakes?"
Gazing into her eyes deeply.
"In the mean time I will carry a locket of your hair with me as a keepsake, my dear Gertrude."
They embrace.
Riiiiiiight. Cause that's how the scenario usually plays out.
5.Wait, you're younger than me?
Dartmouth is an ageist institution. We discriminate against class years like it's high school all over again.
'13s and '11s can't date cause that's like robbing the cradle. Especially if the '11 is a she! Oh the horrors! Cougars are just supposed to have trysts with young lads, not corrupt them into having actual relationships!
And did you hear about that '11 dude dating the young impressionable '14? What a sketch!
Well, jaded upperclassman woman, maybe he would have dated you if he didn't think you were such a bitch. Then again, maybe he is just a sketch.
And then there's some of us that try to remain open and non-jaded, but then our own Class Council rejects us. Which is so cold. Sure, send me this innocuous, cutesy blitz about meeting my future soul mate and then crush me by telling me there aren't enough dates available. Apply again in the Winter. I see how it is.
Well, I don't think love can wait. So campus, consider this my personal ad. Take me on a date sometime.
