This week's Mirror is about Forums (capital "F" because WE MEAN IT). This seems serious. If I make fun of it, I'll probably be the cause of the next discussion. However, I like that Forums make us reassess our behavior. Well, so does Homecoming. Thus, I offer you a quiz to discover your Big-Weekend-Emotional-Age (duh). I felt it was time for a quiz because, a week later, you're still trying to remember how to read/process-non-alcoholic-beverages and also because the Sorting Hat Facebook quiz is dominating my Mini-Feed.
Good luck, don't cheat and if your result is "Freshman," lie.
1) For you, the Monday of Homecoming means:a. Going to Ke$ha and flirting with a Hanover High "senior" because you're simply too noob-ish to realize that no "senior" at Dartmouth says "senior." Because it's upsetting.b. Playing pong because you can.c. Getting work done, stopping by Ke$ha, apathetically pondering indifference.d. Going to Ke$ha and flirting with blackout. Don't care because of all the glitter.
2) Tuesday means:a. Posting up under a giant rock for not realizing you were hooking up with a high school student. That is, until you woke up in her room and saw a trapper keeper on her desk.b. Playing pong because you're forced to.c. Getting more work done, having an early night, whatever.d. Taking the night off to emotionally pregame the return of alums and all the Ghosts of Hook-Ups Past. Contemplating all that is awkward.
3) Wednesday means:a. Drinking in your friend's room until approximately 11:30 p.m., all the while debating the merits of visiting a fraternity for boys or that one for girls.b. Playing pong because you quit your varsity sport and you need to maintain your range of motion.c. Meetings and stuff.d. Doing literally everything. It's Homecoming, you guys!
4) Thursday means:a. Getting out of your 2A and feeling something sinister in the air without understanding the cause. Form the theory that there must be mono going around because half the campus went to sleep from 7-10 p.m.b. Reaching the dark side for the first time and wondering when innocence officially left your body.c. Letting enthusiasm get to you for a couple of hours. Waking up around 9 p.m. and resuming a general over-it ideology.d. Defying all biology, physics, chemistry and logic to rally like a rock star.
5) Friday means:a. Grappling with conflicting feelings of utter terror, sheer happiness and the need to run-while-strategically-ducking.b. Playing pong during the bonfire because you have no concept of nostalgia.c. Whining because oh great, alums are back.d. Grappling with the utter terror of sheer happiness running away from you. Then, throwing punches and/or crying inappropriately.
6) Saturday means:a. Dressing like a slutty nurse and finding out that you're the least creative slutty costume at the party.b. Falling asleep playing pong because you have yet to grasp the essence of a champion.c. Dressing like a slutty Lil' Wayne named "Easy Weezy." Casually mocking the slutty nurses but mostly reserving visible emotion.d. Dressing like a completely esoteric inside-joke with your housemates because friendship is all that matters. That and keeping the slutty:clever ratio. (3:2)
7) Sunday (finally) means:a. Requesting transfer applications.b. Requesting arthritis medications.c. Requesting D-Plan change to 11W: (Far, Far) Awayd. Requesting a different fortune cookie from The Orient that reads, "You can stay forever."
Mostly A's: My Fair Freshman
Whether you're truly a '14 or simply inexplicably nostalgic for 'shmob life, your unfortunate series of events last week was necessary to highlight the vast superiority of your future Homecomings. Don't even bother saying you'll never heckle. We're all evil by Year Two.
Mostly B's: Soul-Deprived Sophomore
No choices are your own. In fact, if you had the time to fill out this quiz, you're clearly not committed to your own demise. But congrats on joining the Greek system!
Mostly C's: Junior. Alliterations are whatever
Nothing will ever be as good as sophomore Summer. Until senior year. So just accept the bleak reality and plan your off-term. This simply isn't the time for to have interest in anything.
Mostly D's: You're a Senior. Sorry
You say yes to everything and sometimes that hurts your liver and sometimes that hurts your heart. If you didn't feel the entire spectrum of emotions last week, you didn't do it right. But that's OK because you'll be back next year. Still as an undergrad. You're only an "alum" if you're a quitter.
