Last week, someone asked me why my column was so consistently ignorant of The Mirror's weekly theme.
"Don't you think it's a little self-involved that you just write whatever you feel like?" Nancy Negativity asked.
While I appreciated her honesty and felt she had a valid point, I couldn't help thinking, "Well, guess who sucks?" (Hey Nancy, it's you.) Luckily for me, my vengeance was clear and simple, thanks to the "How-To" theme of this week's issue; I could both show Nancy that I am capable of staying on topic and figuratively slap her soul in the face. Thus, darling Nancypants, I give you a brief summary of How To Be Everyone's Least Favorite.
Expressing your grievances while expecting a positive response: "Constructive criticism" is an urban legend. Everyone just wants to be coddled.
Talking about the weather:Breaking news of natural disasters aside, the moment you start talking about the foreboding of today's clouds, it will most surely start raining on my face. (i.e. I will cry because you are boring.)
Whining about the weather:Oh my god is it snowing on you too? Weird. I swore it was just my problem. And that I was colder, wetter and sadder than you. No? I'm just the worst? But, like PRECIPITATION!
Tweeting about the weather:There is literally no one fascinated by the fact that it is "SO COLD OUT! :(" Even your emoticon is feigning interest. #awfulpeopleproblems
Sitting on the same side of the table as your date:As romantic as neck craning can be, there is nothing adorable and everything nauseating about this seating arrangement. These other patrons came to ingest their food, not see it come back up. Nor did they want to feel as if they're dining in front of a tribunal. Just move. And by that, I mean leave.
Answering your phone in the library OH-SO-QUIETLY:I can guarantee you the person calling you will still be there in the minute it takes you to ignore the call, get up from your table, walk to a phone-friendly area and call them back. However, I cannot guarantee you that the people at your table will still be there if you yell-whisper, "HELLO? HI, SORRY, I'M IN THE LIBRARY. WHAT'S UP?" Texting saves friendships.
Answering your phone on the elliptical: Unless this is an absolute emergency, you are either going to prove to everyone that you're not remotely breaking a sweat or the person on the other end of the line will be distinctly upset by your heavy breathing.
Being a close-talker:Anything you're saying stops feeling secretive and/or interesting when you get so close to my face that I can smell which Sunja dish you chose at Novack this afternoon. Also, my calves hurt from straining to subtly back away from you.
Wearing denim-on-denim:I have no jokes for you. Change your clothes.
Setting up a throne in the middle of Novack:Thank you, dear Sun God, for helping me find new reasons to cry during a Sunday night at the library. We all needed someone to make doom loom nearer and you found a delightfully terrifying way to accomplish this. Have you met Nancy? You guys would really hit it off.
OK, perhaps I've listened to "Mean" by Taylor Swift one-too-many times this week and maybe I'm being a tiny bit too harsh. OR maybe you're being a tiny bit too objectively dreadful. Either way, you can check your negativity at the door (I seem to have plenty to go around) because Imma do me. Now buy an umbrella.
