Dartmouth's My Favorite

by Emily Hirshey | 11/18/10 11:00pm

I have something to admit. I feel like now that we've been together for a while I can open up to you a little more. It's time for me to be honest. While I'm exceedingly nervous to reach this step in our relationship, I pray that this moment will not affect your feelings for me and that it may, in fact, bring us even closer.

OK. Here goes Dartmouth isn't technically my favorite. [Pause for immediate flips to the Overheards. Everyone else, bear with me.] I guarantee you that Dartmouth is far and away my PENULTIMATE favorite. (This means "second to ultimate." Not, as I believed until October, "ultimate" in a fancier way.) I can also promise that the race for first place is a close one. But you deserve to know the shape of my heart, and that shape is a wand.

Harry Potter is my favorite! [Pause for all remaining readers to flip to the Overheards. And congrats to everyone still here! (Mom.)] Thus, today, Nov. 19, the opening day of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part One," is my favorite of all favorite holidays. But, like with any big day, the build up is crucial. So I give you, because I know you asked for it and because it's unequivocally relevant to this issue yet again (How was your week, Nance?!), a detailed report of my preparation for The Big Day.-Consult the Sorting Hat to identify my enemies. Turns out there are very few people my age who openly admit their placement in Gryffindork.-Plot my Big Day outfit: pleated skirt, v-neck sweater over more-Avril-than-Hogwarts necktie, and awkward robes that I think I once saw a child molester scampering in. Obviously top it off with my invisibility cloak because, like, social norms.-Take breaks from listening to the books on tape for Quidditch drills because I gotsta get my fitness on. Duh, formal season. (Invisibility cloak also necessary if I want to get invited to any formal other than that of Draco Alpha Deltool.)-Order Ofthephoenix for a post-Quidditch snack. It's a stew.-Mix Polyjuice Potion to shape-shift into one of my "too-cool-for-Wizarding-school" friends. Emulate their diction when endlessly repeating "Oh yeah. Harry Pottrick comes out this week. That one about vampires. Which number is this? Like the second or something?" Ugh. Muggles.-Play Butterbeer pong. Wingardium-leviosa my vomit.-Practice summoning my Joe Jonas Patronus.-Upgrade my Blackberry to access BBMBO (By Owl). Realize the speed and efficiency of this form of texting may not qualify it as an upgrade.-Visit Brown. Pack Marauder's Map to identify Emma Watson and buy library-themed Silly Bandz to give her. Bond over crossword puzzles and teach her to solve a Rubik's Cube. Best day with my best friend.-Book senior-spring-break-woohoo tickets to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. What happens in Diagon Alley, stays in Diagon Alley.-Apply for apparating license because this would be the most useful and/or creepy skill to possess.-Discover a Portkeystone to transport me from the basement. Arrive on at Platform 9 to board the Blackout Express.-Fight the Dementwhores at Lebanon 6 Cinemas for prime seating. This is my Big Day. Don't test me.-Save Ginny Weasley from the basilisk. Cuz we gotta. -Wait for the Dartmouth Coach to arrive carrying my mother who is visiting for the sole purpose of preventing me from experiencing the Big Day without her. I wish this one was a joke.-Get my flu(powder) shot and (mud)blood test to maximize my health because, well, the movie is really long.-Check myself out in the Mirror of Erised. See someone poised and mature with artsy, highbrow film and literature tastes and a penchant for keeping embarrassing facts to herself.-Split up my undergraduate soul into infinite horcruxes after receiving "Commencement Information" in my mailbox. "Dark and difficult times lie ahead. Soon we must face the choice between what is right (college) and what is easy (denial)." #Dumbledore'sthewisest

Gee wizards. I have a lot to do this week. (SPOILER ALERT: My column is due in advance of its publication.) Good thing my list of social obligations and/or friendships has progressively diminished as you've been reading this. Better that I'm not distracted for the Big Day. Oh my Weasley, I'm psyched.

Advertise your student group in The Dartmouth for free!