Enough is enough. I've held it in for weeks now, but I just can't anymore. There is a certain type of person who needs to stop existing on the Dartmouth campus. You know who I'm talking about. The lanyard-wearers.
'14s: stop wearing lanyards. I've resisted the temptation to yell this at you in person. That would be rude. Writing a column about it is a much more senior play. I repeat: stop wearing lanyards. You look ridiculous.
Lanyards are the bad version of '14 t-shirts. Both identify you as a freshman, which can sometimes be a tough position to be in. It's like wearing a sign that says, "Yes, please bump me." But at least the '14 t-shirt has class pride, mixed in with a little bit of Dartmouth pride. You go, '14s. Those t-shirts are gonna be awesome in three years. Speaking of which, did you know that the Co-op is sold out of '11 gear and straight up won't order any more? That sucks. Just when it became cool to wear '11 paraphernalia. But I digress.
I know that all of the brochures and your UGA beat into you that your Dartmouth ID and your room key are sacred objects, never to be left more then two centimeters away from your body. The next time your '13 UGA reminds you to lock your room and keep your key on you at all times, ask them if they're worried about rush. That'll shut them up real fast. It's true; your ID and key are very important. But there are better ways to carry them around than an ORL noose.
Guys: buy wallets. Or make them out of duct tape. They will have space for your ID. And you probably don't lock your room, anyways. I guess that isn't gender-specific. People in general don't really lock their rooms. So drop that rig into your desk drawer and only bring it out for when you go out of town.
Girls: buy pockets. Or get really used to tucking your ID card into your bra. Sounds weird, right? You're not the type to put an ID card in your bra, right? I see your point. Well, time will tell which of us is right on this issue. Either way, stop with the lanyards. Please.
This column isn't always necessarily full of useful advice, but this could be the single best move that you make at Dartmouth. Apple-D your lanyard.
THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL, however, is that you'll never lose your ID if you choose to disregard everything I've said. And you can be somebody's hero when you let them into their dorm at 3:00 a.m. in the middle of January. So what if people laughed at you for four months? Now they have to take it all back, or they can just keep standing outside the Gold Coast, waiting for an angel.
