OH MY GOD HI YOU'RE BACK!
Welcome to column #2. It in no way relates to the theme of this week's Mirror and for that I'm sorry. I tried. I dreamt of profiling Captain Jack Sparrow of EBA's fame. And I even had this whole play on "town-gown relations" where I was gonna interview someone at a dress shop and pun like a rockstar. But we don't have a dress shop in Hanover. And Captain Jack wanted me to join some kind of fight club. So you're getting an entirely irrelevant subject this week: The Morning-After-Blitz, a.k.a. the MAB (new slang that'll surely spread as fast as "Sassquatch").
The MAB is another one of the tried-and-true Dartmouth traditions that make this place so very special. But they're a fine art and should not be taken lightly. Thus, I shall present to you some prototypical MABs, which come in all shapes and sizes (some are even invisible!). For the freshmen out there (I'm sorry for being mean sometimes), some of these may be new and a tad alarming, but you'll come to love them as much as I do. Awkward's my favorite.
The Original MAB (to be composed after The Original Dance Party), aka the ShMAB
From: I'ma'14boy
Subject: Hey!
To: MaggieJ14, MaggieK14
Hey! It was great meeting (one of) you last night. I don't really get the DND + Facebook cross-referencing, so I figured the best way to reach you would be to just blitz both Maggie 14s. Anyway, to the Maggie I met: let's hang out again soon for sure. Maybe a (private) party in the Brittle lounge?
-ISignMyBlitzesToRemindYouI'mAFreshman
The Disappearing-Act MAB
From:Cougar
Subject: Heyyyy
To: Prey
Sorry for bailing this morning without waking you up. I had to go watch the sunrise at the Top of the Hop with the other seniors at 6:30 a.m. I'm seriously not lying; it's a real thing. Anyway, had a great time last night but I'm gonna be really tied up completing my bucket list this year so it might be a while before I see you again. Good luck with Writing 5!!!
**The I-Conveniently-Lost-
Something-In-Your-Room MAB**
From: SneakySally
Subject: Did
To: ApatheticAnthony
I leave a white sock in your room? NO IDEA how I didn't notice that I only wore one sock out this morning but can you look for it? It was a really special sock to me. It was my great grandmother's. How about we meet up at Canoe Club at 6 tonight? Just so I can get it back before formal. Which I have an extra invite to, by the way.
**The I-Conveniently-Found-
Something-That-Could-Be-Yours MAB**
From: TrickyTom
Subject: Did
To: PerplexedPatsy
You leave a white sock in my room last night? Because my socks are exclusively sea foam and you're the only guest I've had (or want to have) in my room. How about we meet up in the Paganucci Lounge (the artist-formerly-known-as-Tindle) at 6 tonight? Just so I can give it back before my pong tourney tonight. Which I have an extra invite to, by the way.
**The Courtesy MAB
From: IDon'tWannaBeADouche**
Subject: Hey
To: I'llProbablyMisinterpretThis
Had a lot of fun last night. Hope your 10A wasn't too rough. See you soon!
The This-Is-Awkward MAB
From: ShiftySally
Subject:My Deepest Apologies
To: Jim Yong Kim
Dear President Kim,
I cannot tell you how much I regret accidentally e-mailing you last night. I was far too hasty trying to blitz my good friend John Y. Kohl and didn't realize JYK was actually your blitz name. I just want to clarify that when I said "I need booty in the stacks @now," I was referring to a play he and I are putting on about pirates that we had planned to rehearse in the library but he (the knucklehead that he is) forgot the treasure!
Again, my deepest apologies, sir.
Sincerely,
Sally
P.S. The aforementioned play has actually just been cancelled due to budget cuts otherwise I'd TOTALLY invite you!
**The I-Want-To-Make-Sure-
You-Know-I-Was-Really-Drunk MAB**
From: IJustWantToBeFriends
Subject: Sorry
To: IWannaKnowWhatLoveIs
Heyyy bud. Sorry about being SO WASTED last night. I was SERIOUSLY HAMMERED. So funny we made out. Don't worry about that shit you said about our future. I know you were AS MESSED UP AS I WAS. If I didn't black out, I at least browned out so like I don't even remember how OR WHY it happened. I'M SO HUNGOVER. Dude, we should never drink again except maybe when one of us is away for the weekend or on an off-term.
-ThhisIsPurpozelyMisspelledBacauseI'mSTILLS0DRUHNK
The Senior MAB
From: Every11
Subject: Sorry for telling you to die
To:Career.Services@Dartmouth.Edu
NOT.
Now, since nothing changes and time stands still after June 2011, no need to worry about the mythical "end of blitz" rendering the MAB extinct. You never ever ever have to stop, Dartmouth. And I sure hope you won't. Your unintentional, overeager and inappropriate love is my drug. Flitz on.
