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The Dartmouth
July 10, 2025 | Latest Issue
The Dartmouth

Curious Jorge: Let's Make Some Green

In what is arguably one of the most exciting movie scenes before studios decided every movie should be made in 3D Charlie Sheen's character in "Wall Street" runs around the office telling his partners to "sell," "buy" and "dump" stock. All normal words for stockbrokers, but Bud Fox is leading a mischievous plan and ends up getting caught and arrested. I am here to pull a Bud Fox and tell you which Dartmouth teams' stock to sell, buy or hold off on before emptying out your piggy-bank. This may be considered insider trading, but let's hope the SEC doesn't read The D.

Dartmouth Women's VolleyballCurious Jorge's Advice: BUY

This is by far the best bargain. Even if they were to lose every single match from here on out, you can still defend your bandwagon-jumping if you take one look at their uniforms.

Seriously though, this team is for real. Just this past Wednesday, the women's volleyball team fried the Providence College Friars, with '12s leading the charge for 42 kills. With a 10-2 record, the team is looking very impressive going into its matches against Harvard, Cornell and Columbia. Last season, the team defeated Harvard and Columbia, while suffering a very close defeat to Cornell. Show your support for this team by going to their match next Friday, when they look to avenge last season's loss to the Big Red. Plus, you'll get valuable facetime with the ladies in spandex.

Dartmouth FootballCurious Jorge's Advice: SELL

Don't get me wrong, this team is off to a sensational start. After Dominick Pierre '14 stepped up with a big-time performance Saturday, he and the football team are making my bold summer-prediction which was that the team would end up at least with a .500 record seem more and more true after every game. Pierre accumulated 110 hard-fought yards and two impressive touchdowns.

We are, however, at a crucial point in the season. The team will start its Ivy League schedule this weekend against University of Pennsylvania, a team that has beaten the Big Green 11 of the last 12 times the two teams have met. In two weeks, Yale University comes to Hanover, and I'm not a big enough believer in the team to guarantee a victory, considering last year's game, which ended in a 36-7 drubbing. Jump ship now, but be sure to have someone close by who can throw you a flotation device in case the football team wins these two games and proves me dead wrong.

Dartmouth Men's SoccerCurious Jorge's Advice: HOLD OFF

Wait to see how the men's soccer team does before investing your little brother's college fund or cashing out on this squad. You'll have a better idea of how the team will fare for the rest of the season after they play several Ivy League teams. If the team can successfully take down Yale and Penn, both of which are home games, then definitely jump on this bandwagon just like you jumped on the "Boardwalk Empire" bandwagon after hearing great reviews from all your frat buddies.

Going into last season, the men's soccer team had an enormous amount of hype surrounding them. The team then floundered and was ousted from the NCAA Tournament in the first round. The overtime loss must have left a sour taste in the team's mouth, which brings us to the current season. The Big Green finds itself with a 4-2-1 record heading into its Ivy League opener against Princeton University on Saturday.

I would have advised you to buy into this team had it not tied the University of Massachusetts a marginal team with a 1-3-4 record. That puzzling loss was a huge red flag for me; much like the obvious red flag when Brett Favre recently mentioned he has never been this tired at any point in his career. Someone please agree with me that he will "tear his ACL" the quotations are to insinuate he's going to fake that injury and call it quits before the season's end.

Be sure to listen to my advice, and also watch "Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps," the sequel to "Wall Street," although the money you'll use to buy your ticket at the movie theaters will be invested and used as part of a grand scheme thought of by some hotshot stockbroker trying to make a name for himself. I've already made mine I'm Curious Jorge.