Welcome to the first Thursday of the term, a time of class shopping, add/dropping and post-class Hopping. Today also marks the return of the Rec League Legends, The Dartmouth's inspirational article about the athletic lives of Benjamin "Bruiser" Ludlow and Jonathan "Fratz" Katz. For those who didn't follow our column in the Winter and Spring, Bruiser and Fratz challenge top Dartmouth athletes to their sports, defeat them handily and then humbly report on it.
Past articles and Rec League Legends memorabilia can be found by googling "Jonathan Katz Division I" or "Benjamin Ludlow Hustle." All proceeds go to the Pick Me Foundation, a grassroots organization that seeks out unathletic children and makes sure they DO NOT get picked last in kickball. It has been active since 2009 and the Legends have gotten that unathletic kid picked as high as 3rd in some drafts. God bless.
This term though, the Legends will experience some changes. Jonathan "Fratz" Katz will shed the "Fratz" nickname and go by Jonny Rockets or Toni Kukoc. And Benjamin "Bruiser" Ludlow, a founding Legend, is training in New York City this Fall and unable to write.
He tried to bring Rec League Legends with him to the Real World and texted Katz, "I know Hanover's the birthplace of the Legends, but there's a whole world out there man. The D-I lifestyle isn't just in the Upper Valley. I'm in New York, trying to challenge some professional athletes. I've had enough of the NCAA and its rules too. If Sabrett Hot Dog wants to give my family 1,000 free hot dogs, they should be able to eat them all. Or else that's just being wasteful."
We'll hear from him throughout the term, but the staff of The Dartmouth, Collis Ray and 40Leb wish him the best of luck as he braves New York and tries to return to the hallowed ground, Floren.
Katz has had offers from various coaches to "walk-on" or "start," but after a year competing amongst the mortals, he is scared to fly again. He has met some really friendly Muggles in Alumni Gym and will stay in the Rec League for at least one more term.
But with Ludlow on the Physically Unable to Perform list this Fall, Katz needs a new partner in athletic domination, a new Rec League Legend.
Tryouts will be held at 10:00 p.m. tonight on the Green* where Little Legends should be dressed in a sportcoat, tie and untied shoes. The rest of the outfit must be filled in with Under Armour gear.
If asked about all the Under Armour, you yell, "I must protect this column!"
Katz will then run all potential Little Legends through a full NFL combine and evaluate them based on speed, swagger, soul, Gusanoz knowledge and the color of their Powerade.
If you are injured, but are still interested in becoming a Rec League Legend, please write a 1,000-word essay on your game-winning homerun to win the Little League championship in 4th grade. If you didn't hit one, I'm sorry. Maybe write for The Mirror? We hear they are hiring.
This week, though, I have been unable to compete against a Dartmouth athlete because of a National Collegiate Athletic Association investigation into my performances last year.
I would like to announce now, though, that I will return my Heisman trophy to the Heisman Trust and really just want to live my life again and bring no more shame to Dartmouth athletics. I did take $400,000 in funds from a homeless man on the street and Jim Yong Kim did buy my father a school bus. Two in fact. I was caught up in the spotlight of having an article in The D and lost sight of NCAA restrictions. I have also gotten the Barracho tattoo removed from my abdomen that Gusanoz paid me $35 to get.
It is time for me to carry myself like a student-athlete, not a professional athlete and compete the right way. My father has returned both school buses and as soon as I find the homeless man, I'll return all the money. Hopefully the NCAA will read this and allow me to compete next week.
Until then, it's good to be back. It's good to be Legendary.
*The Dartmouth does not support or confirm any claim made by The Rec League Legends. Please do not show up on the Green at 10:00 p.m. tonight.
