Health and wellness? The two of us are incredibly confused about the apparent "science" linking these two. After all, both of us have been convinced for some years now that we will die at the age of 37 when we each separately get hit by rockets while doing shots of tequila with a large group of Mormons. We're not even accounting for the fact that your liver regenerates until you're 25.
So here is our guide to health. And let us preface this by saying : F*** you, Self Magazine.
Remember that substances counter balance one another, and everything should come in pairs. Even if you enjoy drinking by yourself, your first delightful Keystone does not like being alone. In our experience, a cigarette for every three beers almost completely eliminates the "harmful effects" that your AZD slampiece keeps talking to you about.
Pong is a sport. Play as much as possible. In addition to pong, there are many ways you can stay active while drinking. Remember the art of the dance: Breaking out into your flawless rendition of the Telephone video dance sequence in the Beta basement never goes unnoticed. Additionally, a nice round of sloshball outside the Panarchy Kiddie Pool does wonders for your fitness.
The gym is your friend (unless there is something better to do like playing social with a bunch of through-hikers at Theta). There is no better place on this campus to go Thursday afternoons and watch Jersey Shore with your morning Bloody Mary in the cool breeze of the A.C. The leftover musk and sweat from your 19-game series last night looks completely normal compared to (if not better than) those silly athletes running like hamsters and sweating like Amy Winehouse.
If you're trying to stay fit, remember that alcohol has calories. If you're trying to counteract this incredibly unfortunate fact, don't forget that you will inevitably be eating two large, extra-cheese pizzas with a bottle of ranch tonight. While you're still conscious, opt for a salad if you know what lies in your future.
An hour of foreplay and sex burns 283 calories. That is the equivalent of two gin and tonics, not even the kind with diet gin. There is no shame in settling and waking up with a "Did I seriously do that thing" moment if you're intentionally healthy about it. Just think about all the terrible things those D1 athletes have to do for their "sport."
Go out with the essentials: Band-Aids, mini bottles of Tanqueray and exorbitant amounts of glitter. When falling be sure to watch your limbs, spine and head. The hangover after a concussion is almost irreversible, and waking up surrounded by X-rays of your femurs is a bad sign. Learn how to fall, and have friends around you go for the face, stomach or ass. In the worst cases, you might look like you have herpes for a week or you might projectile vomit on an S and S car. It's fine.
Avoid crystal meth.
Let us end by saying: You asked the wrong people. Just stay healthy enough to keep going out kids. It's a delicate balance, you'll figure it out.Xoxo,The Drunkest Girls
