Legendary readers, the Legends have been keeping a secret from you: they were once Division I athletes and rowed for Dartmouth's lightweight crew team.
Katz achieved it all in just one glorious season. He met fraternity brothers, wore spandex and worked out in Floren numerous times, subsequently allowing him to retire his oar. Ludlow, a recruit to the team (self-call), has been sidelined for the season with a rib injury that he suffered while blowing up balloons for CJ Katz's bar mitzvah (Mazel Tov). He faces a comeback equal to Tiger Woods post-adultery, Mike Vick post-dog fighting and Brett Favre post-"retirement." Luckily, he has Skyped with all three of them for motivation.
The Legends were inspired by the lightweight, heavyweight and women's teams' strong performances this weekend at their respective Eastern Sprints Championships and decided to challenge the Boathouse to a good ol fashioned 200-meter ERG piece. Ludlow blitzed Tyler Maloney '12 (heavyweight), Phil Grisdela '12 (lightweght) and Hayley Daniel '12 (woman), that read, "We're back. Boathouse at 4 p.m. Katz has a 2A."
Tyler "T-Money" Maloney - Intimidating physical presence at 6'5, 210 pounds.- Hunts squirrels back home in Illinois with sharp #2 pencils.- Earned the nickname, "T-Money," after leaving a 300 percent tip at Friendly's. ("I just really like the Waffle Fries.")- Rows port side because starboard sounds like Starburst and he needs to focus.- Went to Choate Rosemary Hall with fellow heavyweight rower Jesse Reisner '12, but neither met until their first day at Dartmouth. (Reisner always sat behind Maloney in the boat and Maloney DOES NOT look back.)- Narrowed career choices down to friend, veterinarian or pirate.
Phil "Bones" Grisdela- Intimidating upside at 6'2 and 155 pounds.- Comes from Thomas Jefferson High School for Science and Technology. He HATES nerds though.- Sits in the five seat in the Varsity Lightweight Eight because seven eight (ate) nine. What?- Earned the nickname "Bones" because he played the trom-BONE in high school (and he's real skinny, like really skinny). - Still writes letters to Santa. Still doesn't get a reply.- Invited Michelle Wie to junior prom, but she had golf. Grizzle turned his stag on.
Haley "Flannel" Daniel- Beautiful.- Her uncle, James Wikipedia, invented Silly Putty. (Due to unlimited supply, she had many friends at age seven.)- Walked on to the team at Dartmouth, because that's what Exeter kids do.- Speaks French fluently (Je mange les pamplemousses pour le petit djeuner),- According to her bio on DartmouthSports.com, "When I was a baby, I constantly sang and trilled in the back of my throat, especially in public places." Respect.- Plays violin for the Dartmouth Symphony Orchestra, which does NOT count as a P.E. credit. (That's why she does crew.)
The Piece:
The Legends and their challengers lined up from left-to-right: T-Money, Bones, Flannel, Fratz, Bruiser. The competitors set their monitors for 200 meters and waited until heavyweight captain Evan Greulich '10 commanded, "Attention. Row."
T-Money, Bones, Fratz and Flannel flew off the line. Bruiser took an incredibly powerful opening stroke to prove he's still "got it" and then paddled the rest of the way to save himself for next season. Fratz looked over at Flannel's monitor, feared defeat and pushed her off her seat. T-Money led through the 100-meter mark, followed closely by Bones and Fratz, with Bruiser resting and Flannel pissed.
T-Money and Bones began to pull away from the dress-pant wearing, frat-shoe donning, out-of-shape Fratz. At 150-meters (Fratz-time), T-Money was done: 1:19.2. Bones, realizing he wasn't done yet, finished close behind in 1:24. Fratz ripped his dress-pants and closed in 1:29. Flannel still brooded on the ground while Ludlow gingerly passed the 100-meter mark.
Final Results: T-Money (1:19), Bones (1:24), Flannel (Angry), Bruiser (17:12), Fratz (DQ'ed for pushing a girl).
The Legends would like to congratulate the Boathouse on an exceptional weekend at Sprints and wish good luck to the crews still competing at the IRA in Camden, N.J. Until next week, it's not delivery, it's Legends.
