"On Monday, I am waiting. Tuesday, I am fading. By Wednesday, I can't sleep." What about Thursday, Ash Simp? Legends time. Unfortunately, Katz was sidelined this week with his seasonal allergies, and The Legends were faced with this conundrum: writing a Legendary column.
With Katz unable to compete, The Legends had three choices: a) Ludlow faces the D-I establishment solo, b) The Legends play Madden vs. a football player, or c) "forget" to submit an article.
Ludlow pondered for a while and realized, "Katz, when we signed on for this, we promised to write about Dartmouth athletes and what it's like to deservedly order a Workout Special from the Hop."
The Legends simultaneously knew their mission this week: an article chronicling the Legendary process of writing Rec League Legends.
Post 12s on Wednesday, the Legends get to the Hop around 1:45 p.m. to order their second and third Billy Bobs of the day. Ludlow puts in the William Robert order (classy institution).
By 2 p.m., they are ready to checkout, where Souleyman never fails to ask, "Hey guys, Rec League Legends coming out tomorrow rig ... Oops Sorry card didn't go through, let me get that again."
The Legends sit down at a long table in the back room, crush their Billy Bobs and open a fresh word document. Katz starts to write and asks Ludlow, "Should we open this week with How legendary do you feel today?' or It's Thursday, I'm thirsty. Thirsty for Legends.'"
Ludlow shrugs his shoulders and says, "It's all the same, just Welcome', insert the word Legendary, and then a subtle allusion to us partying. How about Wanna read something Legendary? Try this. Try us.'"
The next step is introducing the sport of the week (baseball's sweep of Yale) with a very bold call-out to display confidence. Katz always asks Ludlow, "I need a synonym for not-intimidated-by-D-I-athletes." Ludlow normally responds with, "How about D-I steak sauce? Let's do something with that. Like, we always put D-I steak sauce on our Workout Specials, so bring it on." Katz generally agrees and then asks, "Do you think it's too early to mention The Mighty Ducks, The Sandlot or Space Jam? Those are the only three movies I've ever seen unless you count D:2 and D:3." Yes.
The first body paragraph introduces the week's competitors and their background information, always with a legendary spin though.
"Alright Katz, this week the girl is from Medford what should that be the hometown of? Get zany." Katz thinks for a minute, refills his Blue Powerade, pretends to text and blurts out, "Medford Mini Muffins Medford's the birthplace of Mini Muffins? That could work right?" The Legends then discuss the athlete's recruitment process with a tactic they have termed "Frat-Libs".
"Okay Ben," Katz says. "He chose Dartmouth because give me a meaty noun, a fratty adjective and a Jim Gusanoz reference."
Ludlow offers, "He chose Dartmouth because his cousin Jim Gusanoz promised to deliver copious amounts of Muscle Milk to his dorm early, late and often."
The Legends then move on to their intense preparation for the week's event, which always involves multiple meat-based orders from the Hop, very little stretching and detailed descriptions of their athletic wear. The competition then commences, but if a loss seems likely, the Legends quickly describe that part and move on to their dramatic exits (usually involving more self-calls or threats to transfer).
The Legends would like to thank D-I athletes in general I guess They have a busy week:
Men's and women's tennis finished up their regular seasons yesterday, with the men competing at Harvard, and the women at home against Harvard.
Select athletes from track and field are competing at the legendary Penn Relays this weekend alongside real-world Legend Usain Bolt.
Men's and women's golf are traveling to New Jersey for the Ivy League Championships, while women's lacrosse will also be in the Garden State (different buses, of course) to face the Princeton Tigers.
Lightweight men's crew rows against Yale and Columbia, hungry for shirts because it's been colder these last couple days.
Baseball, softball and heavyweight crew will battle the Brown Bears this weekend; baseball and softball are competing in double-headers; and the heavyweight team will race the traditional one time.
The sailing squads are all over the place, competing in five different events, giving the sports viewer multiple chances to see some Sail.
Go Green, and until next week (when we'll actually compete, maybe), Be Legendary.
